Fare thee well beard

I was told it was time for my grizzly adams beard to go. here are a before, during, and after pics of the big shave.

Discoveries

It's been awhile since I've been here. I apologize. I come to you with some discoveries.

The first discovery is Andre the giant's mummified testicles. Now I don't have a certificate of authentication or a picture of me extracting them from his grave to prove to you that's what they are, but I ask of you: "what else could it be?"


It came in what was supposed to be a box of aunt millies english muffins. Which raises some questions such as: "why are aunt millies bakers grave robbing scrotums?" and "After all that hard work, why aren't they keeping them?"

Second, in one of the fanciest casinos i was at in vegas this weekend, I came across this sign outside the mens bathroom:


Shoe shine = nice
men's restroom = nice
Naming a wing of the men's restroom the Deuce Lounge = AWESOME.

donde esta el deuce lounge?

Failed Halloween Costumes

I've come up with some halloween costumes for my nephew that i think will be immediately dismissed as possible costumes. I have taken the time to provide you, my fair readers, with visual examples.

  Jackson of the corn

  Jackson as Roger Penske

    Samuel L Jackson

there is such as thing as a dumb question

today at work, i went into a meeting. I was not at my desk. One of my co-workers walked past my desk to see this:

 

Now this picture is exactly what my desk looked like when he came to see me, except my laptop (right in front of my  black keyboard) was not there. it was with me in my meeting.

The co-worker sent me an IM that said: "Did you move desks?"

......ok. So he saw all of my shit at my desk, including a tea pot and a glass of water and my hoodie and all kinds of other shit and thought that i had packed up and moved to another cube. I was so dumbfounded that it took me a full 15 seconds to conjure up a response. it was "no...i'm in a meeting"

i'm pretty sure if i put a towel over this guy's head, he would think he was invisible.

It's been a while

August and september were very busy months for me. But i'm back. i'll blog when i have shit to blog about.

For now, you can enjoy the newest member of my honey bea army:  Hipster Honeybear

Left to right: Senor Honeybear, Bedouin Honeybear, Hipster Honeybear.

and as always, Iowa Hawkeyes legendary QB Chuck Long hanging out in the background.

Rainpocalypse

It rained in Indy today which means the entire city collapsed into chaos.

Trees down, power lines down, accidents everywhere, general slowness in driving.

The city literally comes to a screeching stop when the slightest rain or snow happens. It boggles my mind.

After surviving rainpocalypse, I cam home to see an envelope laying on the ground next to the mailbox. I finally realized it was most likely originally wedged between the flag and mail box since it said "do not bend on it". Because of this, it was of course, soaked to the bone.

But wait.... usually only important things say do not bend.......shit.

Yes, not sure if laughing or crying is needed for such a bad luck situation, but that would be Colin's diploma laying soaking on the ground. You know, his doctorate of Law that cost him $200k.....
The first day it rains in Indy in about 20 years and it's also the day something 'do not bend' shows up in the mail.

Introductions all around

So I figure I should follow up my slow death of a car post with the victorious welcoming of a new car and a new brother to the family.

The new car has arrived and is awesome:

I don't usually name cars, and I don't plan on calling this car by name, but if I were to name it, it would be Stalin.

ALL HAIL STALIN!
Why? it's red and it's the people's car. I know it's german, but Stalin conquered the germans.

But wait Jason, a new brother? did you get a polish refugee with your new car?

No. Some of you may or may not know of my little friend, Senior
Honeybear. He's a sombrero wearing, pipe smoking, chainsaw wielding honey bear and today his long lost brother has come back from Turkey to see us. I introduce to you, Bedouin Honeybear.

Why YES! that IS Iowa Hawkeyes legendary quarterback Chuck Long making an appearance in the background. How nice of you to notice!

The slow death of a car: Part 2

AKA: we need a home for some kitties.

SO last night i tried to plug up the small hole that made it through the 2 layers of JBWeld and hose clamps that's holding my little $2 hose that I can't replace together.

I have found in the past that changing the pressures in the radiator system seems to fuck with the engine. When i say fuck with the engine, i mean, the more water i get in the car, the more likely the check engine light will come on. whatever. if the car runs fine, the light can come on. the odd part is, there seems to be a sweet spot of coolant in my engine. if there is not enough, the car overheats and i get fucked. If there if mostly enough, the car runs mostly hot, and leaks about 1/3 a gallon of water per 15 mile drive. when i completely fill the coolant system, it seems to add extra pressure or whatever to the system that sometimes makes the check engine light come on and for the following to be what follows my car....

so on a completely different note, we are currently hosting a foster cat. You....yes you reading this. you know you want a cat. there are pics on facebook. this blog is the only place...the exclusive place to see little "squeaks" as we've been calling her, in her true form......Zool!

and finally...we have a stray hanging around outside. he's adorable. he's not neutered, but i'm willing to neuter him of that's what it takes for your to take him. he's beautiful, lovable, and just a little horny (the chopping of the balls will fix that.) so if you are in the market for a male or female cat, please let us know. we have one of each and really....we don't have the room for them. also, if you want a car that playfully spills water when it's full, bring $4000 to me and i'll hook you up.

The slow death of a car

So my little grand prix is on it's way out. It's been having little issues here and there. It's had the normal things go wrong like needing new shocks, brakes and such. Last summer, I had a little plastic coolant line spring a leak. It's not easily fixed because it's a plastic tube, not a hose, and the tube is wedged between the manifold and belt tensioner.

My attempts to repair this tube over the year was actually thwarted back in 2002 when a man without any form of engineering degree got loaded on beer and cocaine and designed the engine for a 2002 pontiac grand prix. I'm assuming that scenario to be true because of how hard it is to work on this car. You have to remove a 2.5 ft long engine support just to take out the battery. Want to measure your power steering fluid? that's behind the engine, about 2 ft down. you need to have a hand the size of an infant and an arm like stretch armstrong. It might be easier to take the engine out to check the fluid level.

So needless to say, i have been unable to fix the problem. I tried to fix it properly last friday by removing half of the engine (coolant lines, alternator, 1 belt tensioner, belt, water pump pulley, coolant overflow tank, and fuse box) all removed to try to get to that little plastic tube. I failed and had to put it all back together when the final bolt holding me back was discovered to be behind the power steering pulley, which requires a special machine to remove and replace.

I decided the way I was going to fix the hose was by slathering JB weld all over it and letting it seal the crack. That worked great for 2 days. Last night on my drive home, the JB weld gave way and all of my coolant proceeded to spew from my engine into my engine compartment. I got home, noticed a lot more steam than usual coming from the hood, opened it and discovered this:

That sound you hear is boiling. It sounds a lot like frying something on your stove. It's a nice mix of water and the oil coating the outside of my engine boiling. The water raining from the hood is where most of the spray was directed on my drive home.

I have made 1 more attempt to seal the tube. let's hope it works because right now I have to put water in my car before I drive it. Every time I drive it. The car can go roughly 20 miles at a time before I need to stop an put in water.

This just in: all commercials are the same now

So apparently the only thing that sells products anymore is a guy doing outrageously cool things and acting like it's completely normal. Here are the examples. Feel free to let me know if you know of others:

The most interesting man in the world: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fYdwe3ArFWA
The Oldspice guy: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qtF13U5t8xE
Edge Shave Gel: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tPZtCv1gfmo
Heineken: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-0KvbSqfd28&feature=related
Dairy Queen: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-VtH5xdbMtU&feature=relmfu 

And slightly different from the above, but using basically the same concept:
Keystone Light: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7tzc-dB8Xuk
Progressive: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hQNk2Ssx0q0
DirecTv: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f0fa_BaljjQ


I mean, come on people....Keith Stone and the guy from the Progressive commercials could be the same guy.

I try not to get into current events

I also try to not make comments on politics or people in politics.

I am a seasoned non-voter. I know most of you just cringed and mumbled something about me being as bad as hitler or something. I don't care. I don't vote, it's my choice not to vote, and i also choose not to complain about the government or how things are being run....because i don't vote.

The purpose of this quick blog post is to send a little shout out to all the people singing the national anthem, painting USA all over their faces and screaming about how we're the best nation in the world because we finally killed 1 horrible guy after 10 years. So when we kill something we think is horrible, we're allowed to be patriotic to the point of being ugly. This is america and we have that right. Just don't forget how pissed off you were on 9/12 when the video came in of people in afghanistan, pakistan, and the likes singing, dancing, and waving their flags over the towers falling.

That is all. Commence poop jokes and pictures of my cats...

Goose Attack 2011

There are a couple of geese attacking a window at work. We've tried to combat it by hanging pictures of snarling dogs on the windows, but they just move to a window without the picture. Here is a short video of goose attack 2011. It's pretty much just this, over and over again, non-stop.

I survived goose attack 2011 and all i got was this lousy blog post.

what's a barcode.......what's lettuce?

so tonight i witnessed one of the most amazing things ever.
tonight i stopped by kroger to pick up a frozen pizza. i got into the self checkout line because the full service lines had about 30 people in them. most of the time, the self check out lines are fine. the times the self checkout sucks....oh man does it suck.

tonight i watched a lady who had very obviously never used the self checkout before. she was scanning items from her cart simply by chance. what i mean by "simply by chance" is she was grabbing her items and just waving them around in the area of the scanner. waving, twisting, shaking....anything that might get the bar code in front of the scanner. and by that i mean it was apparent that the lady had know idea that the bar code had to be scanned. she just knew that people walked up to the machine, waved their selections in front of it, it beeped, then they got to go home with their selection.

so after watching for several minutes as she waved items randomly around in the hopes it would beep, she came to her head of lettuce that she had placed in a bag herself. those that have ever bought a head of lettuce that wasn't pre-packaged knows that they don't come in a package or with a bar code. the best you get if you're paying attention is the little 4 digit number that tells the computer what the produce is.

so i watch her start waving her head of lettuce around the scanner in the hopes it would scan. but jason, you say, there is no bar code. there is no way it will work. she's wasting her time. of course. i know this, you know this. everyone but this lady knows this. so i continue to watch her attempt to scan. most people would have eventually stopped her and explained to her what her fault was. any other day, i may have agreed. today...i needed to see how long it would take her to figure it out. so i watched her for almost 7 minutes until she finally gave up and asked the attendant for the self serve checkout.

how is it possible that you have no idea that store clerks scan a bar code on the package, and if you're that dumb,why would you choose the self checkout. i feel fulfilled and empty at the same time.

60W vs AwesomeW

So tonight, while i try to build my comic buffer so that i can be done with comics until i get back from a wedding in Savannah next week, i discovered that the light above my stove went out. so i replaced it with a 100w equivalent CFL bulb. what that really means is that i replaced it with a 100x better bulb with better lighting. now i know some of you will disagree.....Heather...You like the old filament bulbs. look! look at our kitchen. it's wonderful. i bet you didn't even notice it until i wrote it in this article.

point being:
    does the bulb take a min to warm up?  - not anymore
    is the bulb bright white? -  not anymore!!
    does the bulb take 10billion watts of electrons? (no...but it's still more efficient than the older bulbs)

huzaa for CFLs that match/better incandescent bulbs.

mustache rides for everyone!!!

And the creepiest picture of the year goes to.....Me!!!!!.


This was mid shave after i decided to end my month long beard. I thought creeping heather out with a big white-trash mustache was the way to go. It lasted for about 45 seconds as we were both too creeped out by it....That is, after i kept stroking it and dancing.

The final beard looked like:

I would also like to thank the lighting in the picture for making me look high and the stupid smirk on my face (on purpose) for making me look more white trash.

My beard

This isn't a very interesting post. Not a lot of humor here. 99% of it is just a picture of my current beard. 1.5 weeks. BEARD. I'm living what i preach. Beards and Humor. Comedy and Facial hair. Notice the slightly reddish tone of my my skin caused by both shitty skin and the irritation of the beard. I didn't notice how red my skin was until i took these pics as i'm past the itchy beard stage. I've decided this beard will remain until I am told to remove it (so if you're reading this Heather and you want a clean shaven husband.....charge my razor and tell my to shave) otherwise it going to turn out 2 ways:

way the first: i maintain the current length  by keeping the beard sharp and trimmed to the current length.

way the latter: i grow it like the warmth of my face depends on it and i'm super curious to see what i look like with an actual (longer than 2.5 weeks (my longest beard to date)) beard.

unless word comes down from on high, the latter is my choice. if heather can tolerate the beard, i will post pictures. if she can't (which i will crumble to because i enjoy kissing her), then i will shave it faster than by razor can spin.

i leave you with a fun bit of information: at 1.5 weeks, i can take a bent paper clip and gently slide it into my beard and it will stick. that's what i do at work. i stick heavier and heavier items into my beard to find what will stick and what falls through.

awesome last names

here are a few of the awesome last names i have recently come across:

Tinkleburg
Zamboni
Armadillo

and finally....

Fukque