The Broncos are appalled at Brady spiking a baby
Wednesday, December 4, 2013
Tuesday, December 3, 2013
How to confuse yourself in just 4 short years
Step 1: Create a web comic
Step 2: Draw the web comic every monday, wednesday, friday for over 4 years
Step 3: Watch all other web comics become successful while yours relatively fails.
Step 4: Lose motivation and stop posting comics on a regular basis
Step 5: Watch traffic to the comic almost double in the months you're not posting regularly.
Step 6: Sit in confusion while looking at your analytics trying to figure out why your comic is more popular when you post sporadically instead of on a schedule.
Don't get me wrong. We're not talking huge numbers here people. We're talking an increase of about 20 page hits a day to 40, but still. it's been at about 20 a day for the last 4.5 years. I stop posting regularly and within a month the number of views doubles. It doesn't make sense.
"You only get 40 hits a day to your comic???" you say.
"YES!" I say. "TELL YOUR DAMN FRIENDS TO TELL THEIR FRIENDS AND MAKE THIS COMIC POPULAR!"
Step 2: Draw the web comic every monday, wednesday, friday for over 4 years
Step 3: Watch all other web comics become successful while yours relatively fails.
Step 4: Lose motivation and stop posting comics on a regular basis
Step 5: Watch traffic to the comic almost double in the months you're not posting regularly.
Step 6: Sit in confusion while looking at your analytics trying to figure out why your comic is more popular when you post sporadically instead of on a schedule.
Don't get me wrong. We're not talking huge numbers here people. We're talking an increase of about 20 page hits a day to 40, but still. it's been at about 20 a day for the last 4.5 years. I stop posting regularly and within a month the number of views doubles. It doesn't make sense.
"You only get 40 hits a day to your comic???" you say.
"YES!" I say. "TELL YOUR DAMN FRIENDS TO TELL THEIR FRIENDS AND MAKE THIS COMIC POPULAR!"
Thursday, November 7, 2013
Healthcare Photos
So i just went to pay a medical bill and the rotating photos on the webpage were comical enough (at least to me) for me to make fun of them here. So here goes:
The guy smiling before jamming this lady in a tube is one thing, but where the hell is the tech by the computers looking? did a bird fly by just off camera right when the picture was taken?
Hey guys, before you put her in there, can i get a quick pic? Yes i realize she's probably dying that's why you just just let me take the pic already. great. now how about another one where you guys look like you're doing something. Nancy, rest your hand unnaturally on the machine, Rob, pretend to be locking her head in while not looking.
Another example of a bird flying by just off camera. She's clearly pointing out to the horrified kid that it is in fact a tumor and not a smudge, but just can't keep her eyes off that crazy duck hanging out just off camera. WHAT'S THAT DUCK DOING???
This is what mountain dew code red looks like inside your body as it works its way out your poop chute.
"I'm having a lot of fun sonograming your neck!"
'i'm also having a good time, but it kind of hurts to smile'
"yeah, that's cystic hygroma, for ya."
Friday, September 13, 2013
The status of gentlemans beard monthly
So when I first started this comic, I was doing it solely for me. It was a way to get the ridiculous shit that's in my head, out of my head. Then it gained a little momentum (emphasis on little) so I started drawing slightly better quality comics and put more effort into them.
I've always made a point of trying to never miss a post. I haven't always succeeded, but I've always tried.
November will be the 4th year of this comic. Yeah. I almost shit myself as well. 4 years, roughly 600 of my stupid ideas turned into comics. So sometime during that 4 years, the comic changed from something I did in my spare time and had fun doing, to something that became a regular part of my daily schedule, like a job. It also became less fun because my decreasing lack of spare time meant I had less and less time to draw, and I feel the quality of my comics suffered from that. They also suffered from a lack of motivation as I didn't feel like spending the only hour a week I wasn't working on something to draw the comic.
The other thing is, once something morphs into something that feels like work, you start to expect equivalent results from your work. Don't get me wrong, the fans I have (you) are quite dedicated fans. The problem is, there are about 12 of you. At this point, I'm merely an improv comic performing in the garage at a house party.
I've watched countless other web comics start up around me that have become wildly successful in a very short amount of time. I feel my jokes are pretty much on par with most of them. My drawing is obviously not top notch. They're stick figures, sometimes well hung stick figures.. But there are plenty of comics out there that are actually lower quality than mine that are at a popularity level that I wouldn't meet for another 10 years.
I've always made a point of trying to never miss a post. I haven't always succeeded, but I've always tried.
November will be the 4th year of this comic. Yeah. I almost shit myself as well. 4 years, roughly 600 of my stupid ideas turned into comics. So sometime during that 4 years, the comic changed from something I did in my spare time and had fun doing, to something that became a regular part of my daily schedule, like a job. It also became less fun because my decreasing lack of spare time meant I had less and less time to draw, and I feel the quality of my comics suffered from that. They also suffered from a lack of motivation as I didn't feel like spending the only hour a week I wasn't working on something to draw the comic.
The other thing is, once something morphs into something that feels like work, you start to expect equivalent results from your work. Don't get me wrong, the fans I have (you) are quite dedicated fans. The problem is, there are about 12 of you. At this point, I'm merely an improv comic performing in the garage at a house party.
I've watched countless other web comics start up around me that have become wildly successful in a very short amount of time. I feel my jokes are pretty much on par with most of them. My drawing is obviously not top notch. They're stick figures, sometimes well hung stick figures.. But there are plenty of comics out there that are actually lower quality than mine that are at a popularity level that I wouldn't meet for another 10 years.
People have made comments to me telling me I could sell comic merch though my site and my internal response has always been a wild laugh. I picture a lemonade stand that makes a pretty decent cup of lemonade, except the stand is in someones fenced in back yard and only a few neighbors know it is there. Having things to sell isn't the issue. it's having people to sell the things to.
I've been struggling the last few months to find the motivation to keep working on this comic. I've hit some weird wall where no matter what I do, I can't seem to gain any traction at all at getting recognition. I've been struggling to find a way to make the comic fun again.
I don't want to stop drawing the comic. That's not what this message is. I still have complete nonsense flowing through my brain at all times and I do still enjoy putting it to digital ink to some extent. Being 4 years in, becoming popular to any extent doesn't seem to be something that's ever going to happen, so I've decided to stop giving a shit about anyone other than you 12 ever seeing my comic and from now on i'm going to draw just for you. YAY!.....
But, that doesn't change the fact that it still feels like work. So in order to get enjoyment out of my work again, I'm not longer going to be keeping a strict update schedule. I will try to update the comic as much as possible, but from now on I will only be drawing and posting when I feel like it. This will make me happier and it will also increase the quality of the comics as I'll have as much damn time as I want to draw a comic and make sure it's exactly how I envisioned for you.
I've been struggling the last few months to find the motivation to keep working on this comic. I've hit some weird wall where no matter what I do, I can't seem to gain any traction at all at getting recognition. I've been struggling to find a way to make the comic fun again.
I don't want to stop drawing the comic. That's not what this message is. I still have complete nonsense flowing through my brain at all times and I do still enjoy putting it to digital ink to some extent. Being 4 years in, becoming popular to any extent doesn't seem to be something that's ever going to happen, so I've decided to stop giving a shit about anyone other than you 12 ever seeing my comic and from now on i'm going to draw just for you. YAY!.....
But, that doesn't change the fact that it still feels like work. So in order to get enjoyment out of my work again, I'm not longer going to be keeping a strict update schedule. I will try to update the comic as much as possible, but from now on I will only be drawing and posting when I feel like it. This will make me happier and it will also increase the quality of the comics as I'll have as much damn time as I want to draw a comic and make sure it's exactly how I envisioned for you.
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
Inefficiency at it's finest
Today, a co-worker called me to tell me she was going to send me an email, which is the most inefficient thing I can think of.
Other than this fake exaggeration of the true story above:
Ring Ring!
Hello
Her: Hey Jason. Did you get the carrier pigeon i sent you?
Me: you mean the one telling me you were going to call me?
Her: yup! cool. So i'm going to mail you a letter. It should be there in about 3 days
[3 days later]
Dear Jason,
I am writing you to tell you that I am going to send you an email. Once I have sent the email, I will call you to confirm.
Sincerely,
Inefficient Co-Worker
Other than this fake exaggeration of the true story above:
Ring Ring!
Hello
Her: Hey Jason. Did you get the carrier pigeon i sent you?
Me: you mean the one telling me you were going to call me?
Her: yup! cool. So i'm going to mail you a letter. It should be there in about 3 days
[3 days later]
Dear Jason,
I am writing you to tell you that I am going to send you an email. Once I have sent the email, I will call you to confirm.
Sincerely,
Inefficient Co-Worker
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
Letters to former leaders - Part 1: Mikhail Gorbachev
This is part 1 of a new series I have created where I write letters to former world leaders (alive or dead) to discuss things that bother me or are just interesting.
Part 1: Mikhail Gorbachev
Dear Mr. Gorbachev,
I write to you to discuss the ending to the movie "The Postman". Are we really supposed to believe that a man posing as a postman was able to save an entire society on the brink of extinction simply by pretending to deliver mail? To start with, he once belonged to a group of people hell bent on striking fear into the rest of the world. His intentions for the mail truck were not warm hearted. He was literally burning peoples memories to stay warm, then got the idea to con the shit out of other people for food.
Now, it's no mystery that Mr.Costner has a tendency to create down on their luck characters that use and abuse the people around him to help himself, but end up saving entire civilizations. (Examples: The Postman, Water World, The bodyguard, Bull Durham) but are we really supposed to look to him as a hero?
No sir, we are not. At least I am not. Websters dictionary defines a hero as a long bread sandwich with several layers of meat, cheese, and veggies. Neither Mr. Costner or his characters are even close to a hero.
But we really must discuss the elephant in the room about the ending of the Postman. The statue of the little boy giving him a letter was entirely too accurate. Let's not forget that society is almost down to nothing. Did someone snap a picture of this event? NO! The only people there to see it were the postman, the little boy, and probably the kid's mom who was 200ft away and looking at it from a different angle. How could she know the expression on either of their faces? How is the statue SO ACCURATELY MADE from memory 30 years later? This is just not something I can accept and I hope you also do not accept this. For Shame Mr. Costner.
Sincerely,
Jason
P.S.- Do you think Tom Petty was fun to work with on set? I bet he was.
Part 1: Mikhail Gorbachev
Dear Mr. Gorbachev,
I write to you to discuss the ending to the movie "The Postman". Are we really supposed to believe that a man posing as a postman was able to save an entire society on the brink of extinction simply by pretending to deliver mail? To start with, he once belonged to a group of people hell bent on striking fear into the rest of the world. His intentions for the mail truck were not warm hearted. He was literally burning peoples memories to stay warm, then got the idea to con the shit out of other people for food.
Now, it's no mystery that Mr.Costner has a tendency to create down on their luck characters that use and abuse the people around him to help himself, but end up saving entire civilizations. (Examples: The Postman, Water World, The bodyguard, Bull Durham) but are we really supposed to look to him as a hero?
No sir, we are not. At least I am not. Websters dictionary defines a hero as a long bread sandwich with several layers of meat, cheese, and veggies. Neither Mr. Costner or his characters are even close to a hero.
But we really must discuss the elephant in the room about the ending of the Postman. The statue of the little boy giving him a letter was entirely too accurate. Let's not forget that society is almost down to nothing. Did someone snap a picture of this event? NO! The only people there to see it were the postman, the little boy, and probably the kid's mom who was 200ft away and looking at it from a different angle. How could she know the expression on either of their faces? How is the statue SO ACCURATELY MADE from memory 30 years later? This is just not something I can accept and I hope you also do not accept this. For Shame Mr. Costner.
Sincerely,
Jason
P.S.- Do you think Tom Petty was fun to work with on set? I bet he was.
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
best support call ever
this is a conversation i heard from the company next to mine (about 2 cubes away) while the guy in my building attempted to troubleshoot a microphone issue over the phone:
- i can't really hear you, it sounds wet, like it's raining....
- pull it in and out a few times....
- no, still wet...try jamming it in harder
- ...nope, still can't really hear you, try putting your mouth closer
- ...noooo. same buzz... try turning it around and trying from behind...
- ...hmmm. maybe it's something to do with the noise cancellation
I have absolutely nothing to accomplish today that will top that actual support call.
- i can't really hear you, it sounds wet, like it's raining....
- pull it in and out a few times....
- no, still wet...try jamming it in harder
- ...nope, still can't really hear you, try putting your mouth closer
- ...noooo. same buzz... try turning it around and trying from behind...
- ...hmmm. maybe it's something to do with the noise cancellation
I have absolutely nothing to accomplish today that will top that actual support call.
Monday, July 2, 2012
New TV show
i came up with a new TV show idea that is too long to explain via twitter.
Title: Dildo Santorini
Idea: The character is pretty much exactly like Colombo, except he's Greek and instead of cigars, he constantly has a handful of Greek olives. Maybe instead of investigating murders, he investigates homes all across greece to figure out which pet is peeing on the floor.
Catchphrase: Olive you know...i've solved the case.
Title: Dildo Santorini
Idea: The character is pretty much exactly like Colombo, except he's Greek and instead of cigars, he constantly has a handful of Greek olives. Maybe instead of investigating murders, he investigates homes all across greece to figure out which pet is peeing on the floor.
Catchphrase: Olive you know...i've solved the case.
Monday, April 23, 2012
Things I need to know
So sometimes life throws you questions that need to be answered above all else. I am going to present one of those questions to you.
So, in the movie/series The Highlander, sometimes when people die, they find they are immortal, come back to life, and are now part of a group of sword wielding people that don't age and can hear when another one is around by a noise only they hear so that they can get out their swords to cut each others heads off to gain the others power.
My question that needs to be answered, let's say a baby is born, ages about 6 months, then dies of whooping cough or something. That baby ends up being a highlander and comes back to life. The baby is now doomed to live out it's entire life as a 6mo old, no matter how long it lives.
Question 1: being trapped in a 6 mo old body, let's how long do you think it would survive? would other highlanders NOT cut off it's head because the quickening would be small and not worth it, or maybe because they don't believe the baby is actually immortal so they move along and assume the noise they heard belonged to someone they just missed.
Question 2: Let's say the baby manages to survive for 200 years, being stuck in a 6 mo old body, would the baby eventually learn everything like an adult like walking and talking or would it's perpetual baby chemistry prevent it from evolving past that of a 6 mo old?
So, in the movie/series The Highlander, sometimes when people die, they find they are immortal, come back to life, and are now part of a group of sword wielding people that don't age and can hear when another one is around by a noise only they hear so that they can get out their swords to cut each others heads off to gain the others power.
My question that needs to be answered, let's say a baby is born, ages about 6 months, then dies of whooping cough or something. That baby ends up being a highlander and comes back to life. The baby is now doomed to live out it's entire life as a 6mo old, no matter how long it lives.
Question 1: being trapped in a 6 mo old body, let's how long do you think it would survive? would other highlanders NOT cut off it's head because the quickening would be small and not worth it, or maybe because they don't believe the baby is actually immortal so they move along and assume the noise they heard belonged to someone they just missed.
Question 2: Let's say the baby manages to survive for 200 years, being stuck in a 6 mo old body, would the baby eventually learn everything like an adult like walking and talking or would it's perpetual baby chemistry prevent it from evolving past that of a 6 mo old?
Friday, April 20, 2012
'As cute as your kid' campaign: Episode 2: Jason's first cake!
Other examples of how fucking adorable this is!
http://www.cakechannel.com/images/kid-birthday-cake.gif
http://wildbasilliving.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/03/baby_cake.jpg
http://www.foodservice.ie/user/cimage/Kid-eating-Cake.jpg
I'm every bit as cute as those little shits.
Thursday, April 12, 2012
'As cute as your kid' campaign: Episode 1: Jason gets a big boy bed
Examples to compare cuteness:
http://www.jeffandlaurel.com/Big%20Boy%20Bed%20004.jpg
https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiJUc-MAwsqtiRI6ZqXUikWHa_24sxmszrf3lgYe-za0DOAOr-VB7kNpFV75Sltm2-pnpf-SeupLAN-gahLBeaTgr1ysCQLNe6Mk05hm5v-5qLHale8L0kaDTIxfStlp5dPvswSlph_hzU/s400/0901+-+big+boy+bed.jpg
Monday, April 9, 2012
'As cute as your kid' campaign
So, as most of you probably have discovered, Facebook is pretty much just "pictures of my baby" book. I've decided to start a campaign to prove that I am as cute (or cuter) than your stupid baby.
Every wednesday until i get bored with it, I will post a new picture of me in the same pose as lame pictures of kids I find on facebook proving that i am just as cute as a stupid toddler.
As cute as your kid wednesday's will start this week. Stay tuned!
This is not to offend any new parents out there. It's just to prove that I am still as cute as a toddler, only i can drive a car and reach stuff on top of the fridge which makes me 100x cooler than your stupid kid.
Every wednesday until i get bored with it, I will post a new picture of me in the same pose as lame pictures of kids I find on facebook proving that i am just as cute as a stupid toddler.
As cute as your kid wednesday's will start this week. Stay tuned!
This is not to offend any new parents out there. It's just to prove that I am still as cute as a toddler, only i can drive a car and reach stuff on top of the fridge which makes me 100x cooler than your stupid kid.
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
My mom: Secret mad scientist
So on my drive home from work, i realized that my mom (and many of yours) are secretly mad scientists. I also realized they all have extremely morbid thoughts running through their head all the time. The next time you talk to your mom, just remember that she's probably thinking about a decapitated, raped, and burned child and how it can be used to make you safe.
What do I mean? well, my mom is one of those moms that asks you to give her a call and let you know you got home safe after i leave her house or do major traveling.
Which if you think about it means that from the moment i leave her, until the moment i get home and call her to let her know, she has constant visions of me being horribly crushed or maybe crushed and raped, then pushed off a really tall cliff. don't judge me, these are my mom's thoughts, not mine.
How does constantly thinking about my mangled corpse make her a mad scientist? Schrodinger's Cat
It's pretty much the exact same idea, only instead of my mom killing a cat, my mom is killing me.
For her, from the moment i leave, she assumes i have died until i call and verify otherwise. But there is still that assumption that i might just still be in transit and still alive. So for the duration of my traveling, my mom has to assume that i am both alive and dead at the same time.
i was not aware until last night that the lady that pronounces puerto rico as port-io rice-o was so scientific and demented.
If i find a vial of poison and a hammer rigged up in my car the next time i get in it, i'll know my mom has extended her scientific research.
What do I mean? well, my mom is one of those moms that asks you to give her a call and let you know you got home safe after i leave her house or do major traveling.
Which if you think about it means that from the moment i leave her, until the moment i get home and call her to let her know, she has constant visions of me being horribly crushed or maybe crushed and raped, then pushed off a really tall cliff. don't judge me, these are my mom's thoughts, not mine.
How does constantly thinking about my mangled corpse make her a mad scientist? Schrodinger's Cat
It's pretty much the exact same idea, only instead of my mom killing a cat, my mom is killing me.
For her, from the moment i leave, she assumes i have died until i call and verify otherwise. But there is still that assumption that i might just still be in transit and still alive. So for the duration of my traveling, my mom has to assume that i am both alive and dead at the same time.
i was not aware until last night that the lady that pronounces puerto rico as port-io rice-o was so scientific and demented.
If i find a vial of poison and a hammer rigged up in my car the next time i get in it, i'll know my mom has extended her scientific research.
Friday, January 6, 2012
Gettin Classy
The honey bear army has taken a turn for the classy. Please welcome (far right) half of the american gothic painting bear.
Obviously, the next honey bear will be the female counterpart of the american gothic painting.
holy shit! is that legendary iowa hawkeyes QB chuck long in the background?
holy shit! is that legendary iowa hawkeyes QB chuck long in the background?
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Fare thee well beard
I was told it was time for my grizzly adams beard to go. here are a before, during, and after pics of the big shave.
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
Discoveries
The first discovery is Andre the giant's mummified testicles. Now I don't have a certificate of authentication or a picture of me extracting them from his grave to prove to you that's what they are, but I ask of you: "what else could it be?"
It came in what was supposed to be a box of aunt millies english muffins. Which raises some questions such as: "why are aunt millies bakers grave robbing scrotums?" and "After all that hard work, why aren't they keeping them?"
Second, in one of the fanciest casinos i was at in vegas this weekend, I came across this sign outside the mens bathroom:
Shoe shine = nice
men's restroom = nice
Naming a wing of the men's restroom the Deuce Lounge = AWESOME.
donde esta el deuce lounge?
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Failed Halloween Costumes
I've come up with some halloween costumes for my nephew that i think will be immediately dismissed as possible costumes. I have taken the time to provide you, my fair readers, with visual examples.
Jackson of the corn
Jackson as Roger Penske
Samuel L Jackson
Jackson of the corn Jackson as Roger Penske Samuel L JacksonTuesday, October 25, 2011
there is such as thing as a dumb question
today at work, i went into a meeting. I was not at my desk. One of my co-workers walked past my desk to see this:
......ok. So he saw all of my shit at my desk, including a tea pot and a glass of water and my hoodie and all kinds of other shit and thought that i had packed up and moved to another cube. I was so dumbfounded that it took me a full 15 seconds to conjure up a response. it was "no...i'm in a meeting"
Now this picture is exactly what my desk looked like when he came to see me, except my laptop (right in front of my black keyboard) was not there. it was with me in my meeting.
The co-worker sent me an IM that said: "Did you move desks?"
i'm pretty sure if i put a towel over this guy's head, he would think he was invisible.
Monday, October 3, 2011
It's been a while
August and september were very busy months for me. But i'm back. i'll blog when i have shit to blog about.
For now, you can enjoy the newest member of my honey bea army: Hipster Honeybear
Left to right: Senor Honeybear, Bedouin Honeybear, Hipster Honeybear.
and as always, Iowa Hawkeyes legendary QB Chuck Long hanging out in the background.
For now, you can enjoy the newest member of my honey bea army: Hipster Honeybear
Left to right: Senor Honeybear, Bedouin Honeybear, Hipster Honeybear.
and as always, Iowa Hawkeyes legendary QB Chuck Long hanging out in the background.
Monday, August 8, 2011
Rainpocalypse
It rained in Indy today which means the entire city collapsed into chaos.
Trees down, power lines down, accidents everywhere, general slowness in driving.
The city literally comes to a screeching stop when the slightest rain or snow happens. It boggles my mind.
After surviving rainpocalypse, I cam home to see an envelope laying on the ground next to the mailbox. I finally realized it was most likely originally wedged between the flag and mail box since it said "do not bend on it". Because of this, it was of course, soaked to the bone.
But wait.... usually only important things say do not bend.......shit.
Yes, not sure if laughing or crying is needed for such a bad luck situation, but that would be Colin's diploma laying soaking on the ground. You know, his doctorate of Law that cost him $200k.....
The first day it rains in Indy in about 20 years and it's also the day something 'do not bend' shows up in the mail.
Trees down, power lines down, accidents everywhere, general slowness in driving.
The city literally comes to a screeching stop when the slightest rain or snow happens. It boggles my mind.
After surviving rainpocalypse, I cam home to see an envelope laying on the ground next to the mailbox. I finally realized it was most likely originally wedged between the flag and mail box since it said "do not bend on it". Because of this, it was of course, soaked to the bone.
But wait.... usually only important things say do not bend.......shit.
Yes, not sure if laughing or crying is needed for such a bad luck situation, but that would be Colin's diploma laying soaking on the ground. You know, his doctorate of Law that cost him $200k.....
The first day it rains in Indy in about 20 years and it's also the day something 'do not bend' shows up in the mail.
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