I have terrific children!!

people that have children feel the need to flaunt how successful their children are. as if having good children ensures their place in the parenting hall of fame.

most parents tend to advertise their parenting skills using the sticker on the bumper of their car medium. Everyone knows the tried and true: "my kid is an honor student at douchebag elementary", or "proud parent of a douchbag middle school honor student", or even the angry proud parent "my child beat up your honor student". the last one of course telling the world that though i may not be as good of a parent as you, i do carry a collapsible baton.

Today on my drive to work, i was behind the ugliest car since the pontiac aztec, the mazda 5 and their bumper sticker said "I have terrific children!!" the bumper sticker was also bright orange.

I have decided to go into the quality children advertising business. I will create bumper stickers that parents will be required to apply to their cars. the stickers will follow the homeland security advisory system.

parents with good students will receive green bumper stickers. they will have a range of phrases such as "you kid ain't got shit on my kid" or "my child is so good, i vomit out of pride everyday"

blue stickers will be issued with phrases such as "proud parent of a future manager of the men's warehouse" or "my child is above average!"

yellow stickers will include phrases such as "my child is blah" or "my child can read AND write"

orange sticker will include phrases such as "my child will likely stab your child" or "proud parent of a future denny's server"

and red stickers will include phrases such as "proud parent of a serial killer" or "if you can read this, then my child has probably stolen my car, taken it across the border and is doing lines off the stomach of a homeless hooker"

i have also found a vaccination to the daylight savings time change. the time always changes on sunday. so on saturday, get crazy drunk. then on sunday you will be really hung over all day and spend 90% of your day sleeping. by the time monday rolls around, you have no idea what time it is and therefore are unaffected by the time change.

*side effects may include headache, sour stomach, spinning room, lowered ability to handle light and noise, loss of appetite, inability to get remote when tv starts to suck.

** some side effects, though rare also include anal leakage, delusions of grandeur, growth of a tail, and elephantitus.

*** do not take Massive Hangover with out first consulting your local grocer for cans of cream of potato soup.