Tuesday, March 13, 2012

My mom: Secret mad scientist

So on my drive home from work, i realized that my mom (and many of yours) are secretly mad scientists. I also realized they all have extremely morbid thoughts running through their head all the time. The next time you talk to your mom, just remember that she's probably thinking about a decapitated, raped, and burned child and how it can be used to make you safe.

What do I mean? well, my mom is one of those moms that asks you to give her a call and let you know you  got home safe after i leave her house or do major traveling.

Which if you think about it means that from the moment i leave her, until the moment i get home and call her to let her know, she has constant visions of me being horribly crushed or maybe crushed and raped, then pushed off a really tall cliff. don't judge me, these are my mom's thoughts, not mine.

How does constantly thinking about my mangled corpse make her a mad scientist?  Schrodinger's Cat

It's pretty much the exact same idea, only instead of my mom killing a cat, my mom is killing me.

For her, from the moment i leave, she assumes i have died until i call and verify otherwise. But there is still that assumption that i might just still be in transit and still alive. So for the duration of my traveling, my mom has to assume that i am both alive and dead at the same time.

i was not aware until last night that the lady that pronounces puerto rico as port-io rice-o was so scientific and demented.

If i find a vial of poison and a hammer rigged up in my car the next time i get in it, i'll know my mom has extended her scientific research.