Friday, May 29, 2009

the only thing we have to fear is.....

not fear itself, not the Chinese, not N. Korea, not even the Russians. we need to fear the British. That's right. the greatest threat to the american way of life is the british and their secret technology. THEY HAVE HOVER LAWNMOWERS PEOPLE!

ways to defeat america's enemies:
Russia: destroy all vodka supplies.
China: pretend to have the swine flu (they won't come anywhere near you)
N. Korea: ignore them. they just want attention.
Canada: Nukes.
Texas: gay marriage
Whales on the moon: harpoons
England: they can't be stopped. HOVER MOWERS!

any country that has that kind of technology and uses it on something like a lawn mower is basically saying: you have no idea what we're capable of. we can mow our lawns without touching them. who's to say we can't vaporize you just by thinking it.

god help us if antartica gets ahold of this technology. laser guided hover penguins. you know, like from my nightmares.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

hi, my name is jason

i collect recycling at work. i take cardboard, paper, batteries, and cds. i have a box that's labeled paper only. i have a stack of broken down cardboard boxes. i even have a note pinned to my cube that says "please break down boxes before you leave them".

yet i just spent 3 min pulling cardboard out of my paper box and breaking down boxes that were left in my cube. i've come to the conclusion that you are all fucking retarded or illiterate AND retarded. paper is the thin white shit you write on and printers spit out and books are made of. card board is that thicker shit that is usually in the shape of a 3-d cube or rectangle and has stuff inside it. examples of things that come in cardboard boxes: computers, coke/diet coke, food such as frozen lunches or cereal. the only thing you manage to get correct is where the batteries go and where the cds go. and even the cd box has chunks of cardboard in it. why? because you don't follow the before mentioned rules and you also like to just throw the shit in my cube like i actually work out of a dumpster and not a cube in cube town like the rest of you.

the best part is some of the people this blog is about, read this blog. just asking for a little help. if you miss your garbage can at home, do you just call it close enough and let it hang out on the floor for a few weeks?

i've got to stop blogging and get back to work. but i have so much more motivation to sit here and type than i do to fix problems on the website that i either don't have the ablity to fix because i didn't write Windows, or that i just don't want to fix because i don't want to be at work.

it's 10am, but it feels like 4pm

well, i'm back from germany. back to the good ol USA. back to work, and back to the U.S. highway system.

think anyone would notice if i moved to europe permanently? i've come to the conclusion that american drivers might be some of the worst drivers in the world. but i'm not going to rant about that. at least not in this blog post.

17 hours of travel yesterday and we made it home. went to bed around midnight (6am germany time) and woke up around 4am (10am germany time) and wasn't sure i was going to be able to go back to sleep. right now i'm at the fun point were i'm not on germany time anymore, but i'm also not on EST time. i would say i'm right smack dab in the center of the antlantic ocean time. maybe iceland time? it's 10am (4pm germany time) but it feels like it's the middle of the night. i am tired. my contacts are screaming at me like they do in the middle of the night. they are also screaming because it turns out they're not ready to spend all day looking at computer screens again. neither am i.

scheduled breakfast time, scheduled lunch time, scheduled driving time, and no bike paths in site. yup. i'm back in the u.s. of a.

the website goes live thursday at 5pm. better start answering my week old emails. better start the final rubdown of the site. i wish caffeine had an eye opening effect on me. i could use it right now. maybe gummiebaren will help.

the other thing that sucks about the u.s., not being able to drink beer everywhere i am. walking downtown, drink a beer. at the bus station, drink a beer, standing in line at the store, drink a beer. i miss you already beer everywhere.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

new invention

you know those little kids shoes that have the little lights in them that flash when the kid walks?

same idea only instead of lights, there are little flame throwers. also the shoes are for adults. or really cool children.


Wednesday, May 6, 2009

These bloody things are everywhere. They're in the lift, in the lorry, in the bond wizard, and all over the malonga gilderchuck.

writing emails to austrailia is hard. especially when you have to name specific times. they're sleeping when i write the email, so even though we got their error today, i have to write the email as "yesterday". and then there's the constantly ending every paragraph or statement with "mate".

if it wasn't for my trusty translator, they would have no idea what i was saying to them.

so this morning, the plate in my leg is hurting like hell, to the point i'm limping a little. so i sat and thought to myself, why. why is today different than yesterday. then i looked outside and saw it was going to rain. that's when i realized that it's actually awesome that my leg hurts. i don't know if it's true that crazy norm's knee acts up when rains a comin, or there's going to be a blizzard because wilfred's sciatica is all a fluster again. all i know is my leg is a genius and i can predict the weather.

what's the point of having a 14in metal plate in your leg if it's not going to predict the weather for you.

i can't wait until i'm 90 and sitting on the porch. i'll be so tuned into my leg that there will be no need for the weather channel. the locals will call me "ol weathervane" and heather will be the crazy cat lady. i'll be so in tune with my leg i can make predictions such as "another lava storms a coming. best be gittin into your lava bunkers" or "robot wars a coming" (come on, like that many angry robots wouldn't change the weather in some way). plus, when i'm 90., i just assume that global warming will have consumed most of the earth and lava storms will be common. it's ok though, because we'll just get into our hover cars and fly up to our house which is on poles so tall that they are above the clouds. the clouds which are made of sulfur.

come on. don't let me know bleak distant future. i could be known as "ol weathervane".