Saturday, December 18, 2010

Washington Redskin seek revenge on fans

Today, the redskins announced that donovan mcnaab is going to be demoted to second string for this week, then third string for the rest of the season. who will their starting QB be? why rex grossman of course?  they did this because mcnaab has had a pretty bad season. seriously though, rex grossman has played in 1 game this season, in which he took 1 snap in which he got sacked, fumbled and let the defense run it back for a game winning touchdown......and the redskins just decided that he is going to be their best chance of winning.

naming grossman starter is kind of like declaring war on fans, their stadium, or anyone that could possibly enjoy redkins football or profit from it in any way.

Mike shanahan said, and i quote (by quote i mean i'm making up his quote because i assume he was too tweaked out on lsd laced crack to make actual words):

"I, Mike Shanahan, declare that i hate each and every one of you and i'm tired of seeing you in the stands every sunday. we haven't had that good of a year. donovan was supposed to be our white knight and instead has played quite poorly. though to be honest, even at his worst, she's still better than a large amount of NFL qb's. Jason campbell, Alex smith,  matt schaub,  ryan fitzpatrick, jake delhomme, derek anderson, rex grossman. i could go on for a while because the league is full of terrible quarterbacks right now. but i can't continue because i have an announcement to make. Rex Grossman will be our starting quarterback from now on. why am i making him a starter after having just listed him in the list of people worse than mcnaab?....because i hate each and every one of you. i've made some bad decisions this year and my players on a whole aren't very good. but it would be rude of me to blame the entire team. blaming the offensive line for the quarterback being sacked a lot is a dickish move. blaming the quarterback with 100% of the blame is the insane thing to do, which is why i'm doing it. really, this is a public service. naming rex grossman starting qb accomplishes several things:

1. think of all the food and wrappers and such that won't go to waste now that no one will be in the stands.
2. with grossman under center, very little light will be needed since it's pretty much a guarantee he'll just get sacked, so we can keep the lights down in the stadium.
3. and finally, and this is the important one people so please PLEASE pay attention. it will prove to you once and for all that rex grossman is just god fucking awful. i mean couldn't legitimately be the starting qb for a team of toddlers bad. this is to show all of the other teams in the league that they need to stop hiring this guy. the guy isn't fit to pick up towels in the locker room let alone play football. i am very excited to have him as our starting quarterback.

next week, i plan on benching all of my wide receivers and replacing them with badgers on crutches with chronic anal leakage."

seriously though folks. naming grossman the starting qb is one of the dumbest things i've ever heard though it could prove to be some very entertaining football.

Monday, November 15, 2010

values: pass it on

you've all seen the billboards. the motivational billboards on the highway. sometimes you see one while you're working through a traffic jam and you think, thanks billboard, for making me feel like i'm useless before i even get to work. then sometimes you see one and you think "wow, what a terrible role model. [insert person] treated the world like garbage and people adore them for it. my life is even more meaningless"  or "wow, [insert person] became a role model by being very stupid....."

here are several examples:
Babe Ruth: babe ruth was a womanizing drunk that was good at hitting things. he should not be a role model.
hey kids, if you drink a lot and treat women like shit, you'll be a millionaire and everyone will love you.

Shrek: he's a cartoon. he befriends a donkey and travels to break up a wedding. he lives in a swamp.

Thomas Edison: the man employed goons and stole many of his ideas. he treated people like they were retarded. he killed an elephant on purpose because someone (tesla) invented something better than his invention. many of his inventions happened on accident and many of the others were just stolen.

Bethany Hamilton: (who?....exactly). she's the girl that got her arm eaten by a shark and was too stupid to stop surfing. we're supposed to see this as motivational because she was too brave to quit. i agree with a certain level of "you've got to get back on the horse" but there comes a point (losing an entire arm) when basic survival instinct should kick in an tell you to do something else for a while. speaking of "get back on the horse"..

Christopher Reeve: let's be honest, the man did what anyone in his situation would have done. he fell off a horse, became paralyzed, then spent the rest of his life trying to find a cure for not being able to move or breathe on his own. sure, there are people out there that would spend the rest of their life doing nothing except wishing they weren't crippled, but does having enough money to be able to buy fetuses for testing make you a role model?

and finally Abe Lincoln: i'm not saying that Honest Abe isn't a role model. what i'm saying is, the billboard is about persistence. "failed, failed, failed, and then...."  i completely read the billboard as "and shot in the brain." kids, if you try and fail, keep trying. eventually you will impose your will and someone that disagrees will launch lead through your temporal lobe.

Saturday, November 6, 2010

Two of every font

It's 3:30 am, i'm looking for fonts for the Indy Give Camp project I am working on and I stumbled across what might be the coolest font ever......

Why is this font so fucking awesome? because you can type and an arc appears? no. because you can type and noah appears? no. it's so fucking awesome because it includes not one, not two, but 3 different types of rain. perfect for typing out a civilization killing flood. but don't fret, when you get tired of doing god's work, just type a sun and a rainbow and low and behold, jesus is lord.

side note: part of me wants to buy a mini van just so i can get that entire lineup turned into those little family stickers people put on their shitty child haulers. who's my family? Noah, some friends, a bunch of bad ass animals, and the fucking biblical rains!

Friday, October 22, 2010

How Netflix makes me a better person

so there is a running joke at work. when i'm all pissed off and doing nothing but complaining (which is 95% of the time) my co-workers say "jason, tell me about netflix". They say this because apparently the only thing i have ever told them that wasn't a form of bitching and moaning was when i was talking about netflix. for them, netflix is the only thing that makes me happy. is this true? no. heather makes me happy. cars (that i don't own or have to fix or drive behind) make me happy. Is netflix better than those other things? no. but it's close. Netflix gives me hope for the world. netflix takes me from "burn the whole fucking thing down!" to "so it goes (vonnegut, one of 3 authors that can write books i'll actually read).

netflix will send out surveys to my email. i hate surveys. i hate implementing them, i hate taking them, i hate telling them to fuck off. I make it a point to participate in every single fucking survey netflix has ever sent me. we're going on 4 years now and i haven't skipped a single one. they have questions such as "when did weekend at bernies 9 arrive?" or "How was the watch instantly quality of short circuit 2". Yeah, i watch shit movies. that's the other great thing. Netflix doesn't judge me like you are...right now...i can feel it.

sometimes they fuck up. they had intended on sending me a movie, but their warehouse fucked up and didn't send it. Company A would say, "fuck'em. $13 a month. bitches can wait for their season 3 of Small Wonder dvd". How does netflix handle it? "We're sorry we screwed the pooch big time. not only are we sending you Small Wonder S3D2, but we're also including your next disc, "Mr. Belvedere S1D1"

Netflix, you've saved me from missing my mid 80s to mid 90s feel good comedies. And for that, i thank you. I might even sacrifice a puppy for you.

but wait! there's more!!

they ask me how quickly movies got to me, they ask me how good the quality was when i watch it online, the send me my next disc when they fuck up and send me a disc from my queue later than expected (usually about 24 whole hours late)....and tonight, i got the ultimate "Netflix Karma" email. and it goes as so:

"We're sorry you may have had trouble watching instantly. Yesterday, you may have had trouble instantly watching TV episodes or movies due to technical issues. We are sorry for the inconvenience this may have caused. If you attempted and were unable to instantly watch TV episodes or movies yesterday, click on this account specific link in the next 7 days to apply a 2% credit to your account."

blah blah more apology.

I want to start this segment of the blog post with the fact that i had no issues watching netflix watch instantly on the day in question. yet even though they have no way of knowing if i was even remotely inconvenienced, which most companies would say "stick a lead pipe up your ass", netflix apologized and gave me an honor system discount. the key words in the email are "If you attempted and were unable to". I attempted and WAS able to. so technically i don't qualify for the 2% discount. and i'll be honest, my reaction to the email was "awww man, i was able to watch instantly just fine"

so now the question is, who is too nice, netflix for offering a 2% discount to everyone regardless of an actual issue with their service, or me, the guy who honestly, full on questioned if he should click the link to get a 2% discount he doesn't deserve.

the answer is netflix. they're a big company creeping up on monopoly status. i'm a guy who makes not enough money a year. i'll take your 2% discount.....but i feel awful. honestly.

****edit- their company PTO (personal time off) policy is "do you need the time off? take it" meaning, they have no set amount of time off. their employees are on the PTO honor system. want a vacation? take it. sick? take a day off. we're cool with it so long as you're honest. amazing. world. you have a LOT to learn. sadly, i'm sure their employees are special as 95% of the world would fuck that system into an anally stretched, herpes ridden system that fails miserably because people are inherently dirt bags.

Sunday, October 17, 2010

it's about video games

i finished 9-7. it's the first time i've ever played madden and haven't made the post season. i usually play the superbowl and this season i didn't make the post season. man i hate my team and my realistic sliders....

Friday, September 24, 2010

twist top vs pry top

this is a blog about beer because i am drinking beer and just had an epiphany.

it's pretty understood in the beer drinking crowd that pry off caps usually belong to the more expensive / pretentious beers. i completely agree and love that fact. shitty beer requires you to drink as much of it as you can as fast as you can to get drunk as fast as you can. good beer is consumed slowly, is tasted, and drunk is a very happy side effect.

miller lite goes so far as to rifle the necks of their bottles to blast the shitty triple hopped (saying something is triple hopped only matters if you can actually taste the hops......) beer into your tasteless mouth. you know what else rifles stuff into your mouth?........that's right....dick. people do it, but most people would rather not. i can't say the same for miller lite.

next time you are buying beer, check out the cap. does it have ridges for the screw top? yes? well then waste your money if you want to drink 17 beers to get drunk and fuck some chick that's "like totally excited to be out with her girls". but if you actually want to get drunk faster, drink beer that has a pry top because it is most likely something delicious and higher in alcohol than miller lite or equivalent. so you'll get drunk faster, it will taste better, and the girl you choose will probably be into more sophisticated stuff than labradoodles. she probably won't sleep with you because she's better than that, but hey, at least the beer was good.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

This just in:

...that is all. You may return to your regular internet viewing.

Bob Sanders pronounced dead after a strong breeze rips his head off.

so bob sanders fell on his head and hurt his arm in the first game of the season last weekend and they think he might have a torn bicep which would essentially put him on the sidelines for the remainder of the season.

here is a fun snippet of text from an article on the colts web page that will make you feel bad about how much money you make compared to the amount of work you do:

"In 2005, Sanders started 14 times, earning his first Pro Bowl trip. A year later, Sanders missed 12 games with a knee injury but returned for the playoffs and was a key cog in the Colts' Super Bowl run. In 2007, a healthy Sanders started 15 games, made 132 tackles, was selected to his second Pro Bowl and was the NFL's defensive player of the year.
Irsay rewarded Sanders with a five-year, $37.5 million contract, $20 million of that guaranteed.
But since then, Sanders has been through pure misery.
He's missed 24 of 33 regular-season games with an assortment of injuries -- including a knee injury and the torn biceps that kept him out all but two games last season. And Sanders' career log now shows 48 games played, 49 games missed in seven seasons."

Monday, September 13, 2010

it's absolutely confirmed

i love topgear.
BBC America. check it out. you'll either love it or i'll hate you forever. and you don't want me to hate you because i'm so fashionable and popular.


Wednesday, September 8, 2010

god forgive me for my sins

so at work it's come down from the mountain (marketing) that i have to put up a popup survey when people come to our corporate site.

every browser i have tried it in blocks it because everyone has a popup blocker now. the company that marketing got the survey though isn't good enough to make the popup editable so i can modify it so the popup blockers don't block it.

this project pains me in every way possible. I disagree with the survey and i VERY much disagree with making it a popup. sadly this is one of the few things i can't really fight. i just have to do it.

seriously though, words can't describe how much i don't want to do this. it makes me feel dirty. it makes me sad to have my name on the website i have built and maintained for the last three and a half years.

the best example i could come up with getting a brand new (insert your favorite car here) corvette and then slapping a 4ft tall dildo right on the hood. just flopping around as you drive. telling everyone as you drive around: "yeah, i've got a corvette. it's awesome. it's fast as shit, and yes....that's a giant rubber dick on my hood.."

if i wasn't at work, there would be a photoshopped example. hitler with cotton candy, yeah, i can do that at work. photoshopping a dildo is a little over the line.

though i guess it won't matter much because this is my last day at work. for you see, right after i put this popup survey on the website, i'm going to climb on the roof of the building, and hurl my pathetic popup adding body on to marketings car.

pray for my we go....

Friday, September 3, 2010

oh my captcha, you do go on...

while i was replying to kourtney's comment on my last blog post i received the following captcha message:

The alternate title for this blog post was: STREEEEEEETCHED ANUS!

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

I am Jack's complete lack of understanding

this post is full of pictures and anger. it's over a week in the making but that's mostly because i'm so damn busy that i haven't had time to rant. or maybe fate was just holding me until today. why today? i'll get to that.

so many of you know of the problems i have had with my garbage man. if not, feel free to read previous posts. i'm not going to bore the people that know with the details. needless to say, i adapted the way i threw out garbage to ensure i didn't piss off the guy that makes 20k a year picking up the worlds filth. Last tuesday, i went outside with a flash light and garbage bags to consolidate any stray grocery bags full of cat litter or other stinky, stray garbage inside my garbage can. I actually pulled out everything from the outside garbage can and condensed it to 4 easy to lift garbage bags.

You did it Jason. You finally figured out the very specific way the garbage man wants the garbage arranged in the can in order for him to do his fucking job and take the garbage.

drum roll please....

That's what i came home to find after my hard work. figured it out yet? if you guessed the mother fucker threw away my entire garbage can with my garbage. you win!!! your prize: 1 garbage can lid (shown above)

so now i either get to store garbage in my garage during the week while i wait for garbage day, or put it where the can used to be and let the raccoons distribute it throughout my yard.

So I had a week of healing. i've accepted my garbage fate. I have come to the conclusion that i get to spend another $40 of my hard earned money on something my garbage man will very likely throw away because he's pissed off he failed out of Indianapolis University and has to pick up bags of other people's shit for a living.

today i came home to find this:

He was nice enough to put the door in the mailbox for me. i put it on top to take the picture.
It's like Emeril delivered my mail. "Just add a dash of mail..BAM!"
seriously though, the door has been hanging on by 1 hinge for about a year now. but i repaired the hinge and it would take quite the force to pull it off. Now i don't know if you have ever watched a mailman in a truck deliver mail. They really he-man the mailbox doors when they open it. So i am giving the mailman the benefit of the doubt. He's in a hurry and my mailbox sucks.

but wait! look closer at the door. just above my now bent make shift bolt for a handle...tire tracks. he ran it over. I can only hope he gave it a pull, the door finally came all the way off and he said to himself "it's about TIME!. i will not let this cheap son of a bitch reattach this door." then he ran over it.

If i thought he did it on purpose like the garbage man, i would very much reattach this door in the most annoying of fashions. but alas, instead i will invest $23 in a new mailbox and will think of a fun way to display my address on it (regular numbers?.....snoooooooooze)

Now for the happier, but still picture ridden part of my blog post. while loading soap into the dishwasher i discovered something:

We use a lot of freaking spoons. In this case, nothing BUT spoons. That little kid from the Oracle's house would be sad (there is no spoon).

Finally, On saturday, I became an uncle again. His name is Jackson Rodgers, he's adorable (trust me, it takes a lot for me to say that, even about family) and tonight i watched him pee all over his dad.

No, that's not daddy holding him. That's grandpa.

blogcrest Out!

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Why cotton candy is destroying America

One day while wandering around the local fair, I stumbled across a small gentleman covered in tattoos and fleas handing out what appeared to be cotton. But this was not cotton. It was in fact a sort of confectionery. The small gentleman, hereby refereed to as the carnie, would take a wooden holding device and place it into a mechanical cotton gin. The "cotton candy" would then spin like a Nebraska twister until a large amount of it was gathered upon the holding stick. Children not twice as big as the confectionery itself would then proceed to consume the cotton as if the antidote was contained inside.

At this point, I decided to observe the effects the confectionery had on the tikes and to my amazement, discovered that it made the children euphoric and unable to control their feeble voice boxes. The amount and length of time the confectionery was contained in their system, the more barbaric these children became. It was at this time that I noticed that full grown adults were also "enjoying" the confectionery with similar results to the children. Any consumable that causes someone to lose control of their ability to reason causing them to devote their time and efforts to gain more of said consumable must not be allowed to flourish in America.

The most frightening aspect of this whole discovery at the local fair was the happiness in the children's faces. Every educated man in America knows that a happy child is an evil child.

I have commissioned a local artist to create a depiction of what i believe, nay, what I KNOW will happen to children if allowed to consume unwatched amounts of the cotton made from candy:

*note, i am implementing a new blog system at work and the above article was the test article i wrote. how many of you can say you have a picture of hitler with cotton candy on your work computer?

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Red Bear-on

Bear-on to tower, am i clear for take off?

Bear-on, this is the tower. you are cleared for adorable flight!

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

it's like we just got back from vacation again!

so i just realized that the gallery i use to display my travel pictures on my website only allows 50 pictures per gallery. what does this mean? that means if you only say our travel pictures via my've only about half of the pictures!!

example: if you were to look at my paris pictures, it will stop when we are in the Orsay gallery. But in reality, that's about 1/3 of the Paris pics. you're missing all of the pics from new years at the Eiffel Tower and the entire next day At Versailles.

so i will quickly research and implement a new, non constricting system (or possibly write my own) and hopefully i can implement one that uses jquery instead of Flash so that people can actually load the gallery via Iphone or Droid.

stay tuned readers...

Friday, July 2, 2010

seedless watermelons eh?

try again kroger.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.3.8

Thursday, July 1, 2010

so far so good

so far, our internet is back and the comic is back up. we'll see if it lasts. you'll know if it doesn't if you go to view the comic and it's down. if it is, then do what you normally do, get irritated along with me and just wait for it to come back.

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

sigh....once again....

as you can see, once again, my web comic is having problems.

our internet connection is pretty much dead so until At&t fixes the problem, you most likely won't be able to get to the comic. the internet works for about 10 min a day so if you are lucky enough to check the comic at that time, congrats.

i really really hope it's fixed this week and i really really hope all of these fucking problems go away so that i can actually enjoy having a web comic instead of it feeling like work i don't get paid for.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

which is better..1.....2

heather left her glasses at home this weekend (she is in michigan). i put on her glasses and realized her perscription is so weak, that i can still mostly see clearly through them. in fact, if i were at the eye doctor, my current eyesight would be 2 and her glasses are 1. which is better..1....or 2. 2. good.

i wonder what it's like not to be blind as hell like i am.

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Wednesday, June 23, 2010

but now i can mow with TWICE the gas!

my neighbor just bought a riding mower. his yard is roughly the same size as mine which is less than a 1/4 acre.

it's takes me about 30 min to mow my yard with an all electric mower that has a deck about 2/3 the size of a gas mower.

overkill is the word of the day.

Monday, June 14, 2010

this is how heather types so fast

she has help.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.3.2

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

ok homer, when i say "hello mr. tompson" and press down on your foot, you nod.

an actual conversation i had with someone who's job it is to train people (for this blog post, the name has been changed to Mr. Tompson ala the witness relocation episode of the simpsons (9F22, Cape Feare)):

Me: Hey, Mr. Tompson, can you take a call walking a customer through setting up their system?

Mr. Tompson: I could, but that's really more of a training thing.

Me (bewildered): You're a trainer and it's your customer.......

Mr. Tompson: I mean, it's more of a training session type of thing. Plus i'm heading out of the office soon.

Me: But he's on the phone right now asking questions...and it's a training thing not a support thing. Don't worry, i'll ask someone else to do it.

Lucky for him, the other employee was able to answer the questions and complete the call several minutes before Mr. Tompson even left for the day.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

first tomato of the season

first ripe one that is. that plant has about 30 green cherry tomatoes on it waiting to ripen

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Tuesday, June 1, 2010

hello world

nerd joke aside, 40 bottles of 5.7% ipa. just a couple more weeks little beer, and some of you will be inside me. i hope to be making more of you by then as well.

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hoppy bottling day!

hooray for brewing again!!!

Published with Blogger-droid

Friday, May 28, 2010

i'm a lying sack of shit

as the title says, i'm a lying sack of shit. turns out everything works great with the changes i made to my web server other than the fact that i'm unable to upload any new comics.

so, sadly, gentlemansbeardmonthly is not going to have any new comics until i can figure out why i'm not able to upload new ones.

update: lying sack of shit status is being revoked. I figured out the problem and a new comic is currently posted. never forget how awesome i am.

gentlemans beard monthly 2

well after spending wednesday night completely rebuilding my web server, the comic webpage is back up and running!! no more errors, no more missing images, and the comments area works now!!.

hip hip.....hoooooraaaaaaayy!!!!

Side note and a fun fact: there have been a string of arsons on the far east side of indy over the last month and it turns out the fires were being set by a cop!!! yay indy police force. One of the worst police forces in the world. If i were ever being robbed, i don't think i would call the police as they would most likely just steal the rest of my shit that the robbers didn't take.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

gentlemans beard monthly

some of you have probably seen some problems with my site. here are the problems i know about:

sometimes it pops up a login box when you go to the site. just click cancel. if it keeps happening, close your browser and open it again. i'm not sure why it does this, but i'm looking into it.

as of today (5/26) it appears my RSS feed is Fucked. it only appears to be fucked on readers like google reader and the browsers firefox and chrome. regular rss still works on IE and opera. readers appear to be fucked.

the good news? i didn't change anything on my server to cause this to happen. the bad news? i didn't change anything on my server to cause this to happen. so for those of you that user readers to view my comic, i am sorry. i will either figure it out or smash my server to little bits with a sledge hammer. either way, you will know because either the reader will start working again, or my webpage will disappear forever as it will be in tiny, tiny pieces.

side note to anyone thinking about hosting wordpress on your own server on an At&t connection....don't. take an unsharpened pencil and jam it up your pee hole instead. it will be less painful.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Week 3


they finally took all of my garbage. All i had to do was take all of the garbage out of the garbage can, take any small stuff and put it into a larger bag and ensure that none of the bags were stuck in the can.

who knew paying someone to take my garbage would be so much work. especially since my neighbors appear to be able to throw away anything they want and the garbage men take it. we're talking chunks of wood with nails in them sticking out of the garbage can, boxes that are not broken down, and just loose trash all inside the can and around the can.

i must figure out a way to modify a garbage bag to break just when i want it to. then i can fill it with loose litter and cat waste, and just when it's dangling over their feet or in their hands BOOM! out comes the crap. all over them and the ground. i can have a camera setup to snap a picture just at that moment. just like on a roller coaster. then the next week, i can give them their pictures in little cardboard frames to document their fun at my house that day.

and yes i'm aware i will be the one cleaning the cat crap out of the street. it will be totally worth it.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

week 2

well, for the second week in a row my garbage men have refused to take my garbage. they took the two bags i had laying on the ground next to the garbage can, but left the contents of the garbage can in place. I even took 1/2 of the content of the garbage can out and put it into one of the bags i had on the ground. so the garbage can consisted of 1 large garbage bag and several smaller, tied closed, grocery bags of cat litter.

i would say that maybe the guy has a thing about touching bags of cat crap, but since i have lived here for 3 years and they have never refused to empty the can....i just don't know.

maybe i just need to hang out at home next tuesday and when the truck pulls up, i can run out, hand them a pad of paper and a pen, tell them to take notes, then pick the garbage can up and dump it into the truck myself. maybe i should give them crayons instead of a pencil.

i wish i had a job where i could deprive them of a basic service they pay for just because i'm lazy.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

i've said it once and i'll say it again: i hate my garbage men

my faithful readers know about my complaining about my mailman and my garbage men. the mailman problem fixed itself when i got a new mailman that isn't a dick.

the garbage man problem seems to be better than ever.

thanks to lots of recycling and just not creating that much trash, i only put a can on the side of the road about once a month. 1 time a month i ask my garbage men to do a job that i technically pay them to do 4 times a month. i would say that's a pretty good deal.

now it goes without saying that most of the garbage i do throw away is bags of cat litter which can cause some weight. but in the grand scheme of garbage, it's not that heavy. so for the first time in a month, i put my garbage out this morning. this was what, to my surprise, i drove up to when i got home today:

That's right. those fuckers not only did not take any of the garbage at all, but the also knocked the top off of it and dropped the can in the road.

now again, this garbage was pretty heavy due to the litter and such in it. i would say a good estimate was 150lbs.

and it's totally acceptable to a person not to be able to lift 150lbs if your profession is a computer programmer, or worlds best knitter, or 5yr old girl. But these are garbage men. they get paid day in and day out to lift large amounts of dead weight 3 ft into the back of a truck.

also, since i'm a computer programmer and i was able to take the garbage both to and from the can remove the from the list above.

here's the kicker....they could have taken 2 min and removed some of the stuff from the inside one at a time to lighten the load and allow them to do their job. instead they decided to dump it in the road. so i hope they enjoy all of the same shit they didn't take today plus 1 more weeks worth of stuff next week. it's not like i can make it go away on my own. it's garbage for fucks sake.

i hope he dies in a garbage fire and his children grow hooves from a day that touches garbage all day.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

spoiler alert!

i just figured out how the series Lost will end. at least how it would end if i was the writer.

it's all just a dream. it's Gilligan's dream. and it ends with him waking up on HIS island and when he tells the story to the skipper, he gets hit with a hat. fade to black. credits.

send my oscar to:
123 fake street
happyville, USA.

Monday, April 12, 2010

houses, travel, and cars


to buy a rental property or not to buy. that is the questions. if i have the money. buy. but and charge and make money.

i want to travel. not like, man, i want to see this or i want to see that. i want to travel as in, have i seen it yet? no? then i want to go to there. Antarctica, sign me up, Sahara desert...yes please, des moines, Iowa.....yup. i literally want to go to every possible place ever. ideally, i could be rich enough to not have to worry about travel costs. i could just grab my cash, hop on a plane, and be somewhere i've never been. i literally want to travel the world, taking pictures, and being happy. oh to make enough money to do whatever i want....

for the most part, top gear on the BBC, is the opposite of how i think. and by that i mean, i watch the shows, i see the cars, i want everything they have and are doing. but the environmentalist in me says i shouldn't want a 600hp car that uses a ton of gas per mile. so as much as i watch the show and want to have their job and do everything they do, i know the environmentalist in me won't allow it. the environmentalist in me is on the fence about letting me buy a corvette should i ever be able to afford one. and i would sell my family for a corvette...

here is what i need:

money to buy a ton of rental properties that in turn provide all of the money i need to travel anywhere i want in the world at anytime and to buy any car no matter what my morals tell me otherwise.....go!

Monday, March 1, 2010

ahhh now that's pooping in comfort

so you know how in bathroom stalls in public places there are sometimes small gaps where the door hinges are or where the stall wall meets the building wall? not a big enough gap to really see inside, but you could definitely tell if someone was in the stall via that gap.

one of the stalls in the building i work in has an unusually large gap. close to 2 inches. it allows anyone walking into the bathroom pretty much a direct line of sight into that stall if one were so inclined to look.

i'll admit, i'm a looker. it's not that i'm going into the bathroom in hopes of getting to see someone in the action. it's more of i walk into the room, it's directly in front of me and if i see movement, my eyes are drawn towards it. this is the spot where i tell you it's ok if you secretly do this too but can't admit it to yourselves. it's the same concept when sitting in a hospital and you see people walking down the hall with those little "never completely close in the back" hospital gowns. you didn't come here specifically to see some old man's ass and by golly, even when you look up from your book or whatever you are using to kill time, you're not saying to yourself..."oh i hope their gown isn't closed." but when it happens, when you look up, see the gown and realize it's look right at their ass. i dare any of you to tell me you look away before inspecting the gown gap for exposed ass.

but i'm off subject.

i don't use that stall with the gap because of this peeping tom effect it has. so imagine my surprise just now on my trip to the bathroom when i walked in and realized that the guy in that stall is 100% naked save for his shoes.

so here is the scenario. you get up, head to the bathroom, hop on into the stall and think, man, pooping sure is great at 3am when i'm stark naked. so you proceed to disrobe, pulling you pants off over your shoes, hang your clothes on the hook on the stall door, and go to town. weird.

there were 6 people in the bathroom at the same time i was in there (more than usual). i can't be the only one to have noticed that the most comfortable pooper in the world works in our building.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

it's been almost a month

and i apologize. i've been trying not to just blog about my regular bitchings and the comic has been taking up all the extra internet time i have (because i pretty much refuse to sit on the internet when i get home from work since i spend all damn day on the internet at work).

so tonight i am both blogging and rewriting my comic site. why? well i am rewriting my comic site because i am switching to my own web server instead of paying godaddy money to suck and i'm blogging because i had an idea today and i'm currently waiting for SQL server to install on my new web server.

my idea?

The movie "50 First dates is completely fucked up"

ok. so those not familar with the movie, adam sandler's f character falls in love with drew barrymore's character. drew's character got into an accident and is unable to create new memories. meaning every day she wakes up and thinks it's the day just before her accident.

why the movie is fucked up:
1. she's already going to wake up one day and look in the mirror and see that she's 70 and think that she's 28. can you imagine how terrible that would be?

and that actually has nothing to do with the movie...just the problem of not being able to make new memories.

why the movie is fucked up?

1. he finds a girl he knows won't remember him in the morning....and he goes back.
2. he finds a girl he knows won't remember him in the morning and thinks....i love her. she'll never remember a single thing we've ever done or for that me up.
3. he follows her around, learning her routine and uses it against her. other people do that too. they're called stalkers.
4. he uses the info he gains from stalking to try and make her fall in love with him.
5. (spoiler alert) at the end of the movie, they get married, move to a house boat with her family, and they have a kid. here's why the entire ending of the movie is god awful terrible:
a. he convinced her to marry her, which means, since she doesn't remember him everyday that she wakes up, that in one day he figured out a way to make her fall in love with her in under 24 hours and marry her in the same day.
b. eventually, after months and months of her waking up to her new "husband" that she's never met, he somehow convinces her (tricks her) into moving onto a house boat and driving that boat to some obscure ass place.
c. each and every day, she had to wake up, realize she was on a boat in the middle of no where with her family and some stranger (her husband) and had to figure out why.
d. eventually, she got preggers. that's right, every morning she had to wake up, figure out why she was out on a boat with some random dude and her family and why she was getting fatter.
e. eventually, she had to wake up, realizes she was on a boat in the middle of ??? with some random dude and her family, that she 8 months preggers even though yesterday she was on land and not preggers at all, and that the father is the random guy on the boat.
f. AND.....Eventually.......she wakes up, realizes she's on a boat in the middle of ??? with her family and some random guy and some random kid. guess what. not a random kid....YOUR kid. that's right. yesterday, you were 28, single, and on land and today you are 35, have a kid and on a boat in the middle of no where. pretty fucked up.
g. so each and every day, you wake up, realize you are on a boat in the middle of ?? with some random guy, some random kid (yours) and your family and you are expected to love both the random guy and the kid.

the fucked up part of that is that adam sandler's character is completely cool with this. i have to be honest with you, if heather got all bashed in and it made her not remember anything that happened after today, i would say "why oh why! what a horrible thing for everyone!" not "damn....this is my chance to be able to do whatever i want to her and if i get bored, i can just leave and she will literally not have any idea that i existed. in fact, she'll probably die alone with some stranger kid out on a random boat in the middle of no where.

50 first dates. one of the most fucked up movies ever.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

my comic

i would love to update my comic on a regular basis, but godaddy is so shitty, that i can't do that. currently, i am getting "unable to connect to server" errors when i try to upload. by the end of this month, my web server that i have been building will be up and running and i will be more godaddy fuckups and rules.

until then, if i miss a comic or two here or there, blame godaddy. also, never buy godaddy hosting.

Monday, January 25, 2010

the great european trip of 09/10

Everyone has waited for a long time (some even patiently) for the pictures from our trip. After about 2 weeks of spending my free time in photoshop and writing code, building web a new web server, not using said server due to tech issues and just general non stop work on the pictures.....they are done and are ready for your enjoyment.
You will have to click on each destination on the map to view the pictures (geography lesson!!).
Chronologically, the trip went as follows (to aide you in your navigation of the map)

London England (United Kingdom on the map)
Paris France
Florence Italy
Sienna Italy
Rome Italy
There are a lot of pictures, so i suggest the following: grab a beer, or 24 and maybe a light snack. sit down in front of the computer and spend time looking through them. i can't stress this enough...there are a lot of pics. about 1200 from this trip. You might also think about doing it in stages like we did. start off one day in London. The next day head to Paris.. and so on.
Now there are some of you that are thinking "1200 pictures? there's no way i can make it through all of those (dad). I'm sure to fall asleep (dad)." and for those of you i say "that's the magic of the internet. you can look at as many or as little as you like.
If you find any errors (broken pictures, photo comments that are obviously not for the picture that is showing, photos of cuban dictators marked CIA) please let me know so i can fix them. Working on photos for 2 solid weeks along with work as turned my brain into a fine mush that i am calling "Dr. Jason's Patented Brainsauce". One spoonful will clear up acne, stop hiccups, and de-gangrene your frozen toes.
So anyway, those are the pics. enjoy or don't. your call.
Quick navigation tips for the photo pages. To the left are the thumbnail pictures. Click on the first one to start. the arrows below the thumbnails control the thumbnails, not the photos themselves. you an navigate through the photos one at a time by holding your mouse over the large photo (an arrow will appear that you can click on) or you can press the right arrow key on the keyboard to move forward.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

planes trains and automobiles

we are back from europe. i will have pictures and stories soon. for now, you'll get to bask in the glow of my awesome morning of chaos and back luck.

8:45am - 65 North - 70mph.
a large, roughly 2ft, chunk of semi exhaust with the coupling piece attached appears in the road in front of me. after a loud thump, some bouncing of the car and terrible shaking and thumping noises as i pull off the road, i get to the following:

i'm not currently putting on that spare you see there because it actually has a nail in it and is flat. i also found that the car does not have a wrench to take the tire off, just the jack.

heather met me and brought me tools and an air pump. flash forward to the tire being on the car and discovering that now the car won't start.

flash forward to the car being in our garage after being towed across town. here is the funness of what the exhaust piece did to our car:

notice right in the center of the picture how the support is caved in and the bolt that holds the rack on is bent to the right

another view of the rack, only you can see to the left the other bolt that holds it on and how it's nice and straight.

the piece came in, hit there on the drivers side, shot across the front into the inside of the passenger side front tire causing the large cut above, smashed into the inside of the wheel well denting that as well and flying out from under the car.

about $200 later and a burned PTO day, the car is back up and running and seems to be just as good as it was before the semi unloaded it's exhaust system upon me.