Pandamonium

Tuesday, May 21, 2013

Inefficiency at it's finest

Today, a co-worker called me to tell me she was going to send me an email, which is the most inefficient thing I can think of.

Other than this fake exaggeration of the true story above:

Ring Ring!

Hello

Her: Hey Jason. Did you get the carrier pigeon i sent you?

Me: you mean the one telling me you were going to call me?

Her: yup! cool. So i'm going to mail you a letter. It should be there in about 3 days

[3 days later]
Dear Jason,
I am writing you to tell you that I am going to send you an email. Once I have sent the email, I will call you to confirm.
Sincerely,
Inefficient Co-Worker

Wednesday, May 8, 2013

Letters to former leaders - Part 1: Mikhail Gorbachev

This is part 1 of a new series I have created where I write letters to former world leaders (alive or dead) to discuss things that bother me or are just interesting.

Part 1: Mikhail Gorbachev

Dear Mr. Gorbachev,

I write to you to discuss the ending to the movie "The Postman". Are we really supposed to believe that a man posing as a postman was able to save an entire society on the brink of extinction simply by pretending to deliver mail? To start with, he once belonged to a group of people hell bent on striking fear into the rest of the world. His intentions for the mail truck were not warm hearted. He was literally burning peoples memories to stay warm, then got the idea to con the shit out of other people for food.

Now, it's no mystery that Mr.Costner has a tendency to create down on their luck characters that use and abuse the people around him to help himself, but end up saving entire civilizations. (Examples: The Postman, Water World, The bodyguard, Bull Durham) but are we really supposed to look to him as a hero?

No sir, we are not. At least I am not. Websters dictionary defines a hero as a long bread sandwich with several layers of meat, cheese, and veggies. Neither Mr. Costner or his characters are even close to a hero.

But we really must discuss the elephant in the room about the ending of the Postman. The statue of the little boy giving him a letter was entirely too accurate. Let's not forget that society is almost down to nothing. Did someone snap a picture of this event? NO! The only people there to see it were the postman, the little boy, and probably the kid's mom who was 200ft away and looking at it from a different angle. How could she know the expression on either of their faces? How is the statue SO ACCURATELY MADE from memory 30 years later? This is just not something I can accept and I hope you also do not accept this. For Shame Mr. Costner.

Sincerely,

Jason

P.S.- Do you think Tom Petty was fun to work with on set? I bet he was.

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

best support call ever

this is a conversation i heard from the company next to mine (about 2 cubes away) while the guy in my building attempted to troubleshoot a microphone issue over the phone:

- i can't really hear you, it sounds wet, like it's raining....
- pull it in and out a few times....
- no, still wet...try jamming it in harder
- ...nope, still can't really hear you, try putting your mouth closer
- ...noooo. same buzz... try turning it around and trying from behind...
- ...hmmm. maybe it's something to do with the noise cancellation

I have absolutely nothing to accomplish today that will top that actual support call.

Monday, July 2, 2012

New TV show

i came up with a new TV show idea that is too long to explain via twitter.

Title: Dildo Santorini

Idea: The character is pretty much exactly like Colombo, except he's Greek and instead of cigars, he constantly has a handful of Greek olives. Maybe instead of investigating murders, he investigates homes all across greece to figure out which pet is peeing on the floor.

Catchphrase: Olive you know...i've solved the case.

Monday, April 23, 2012

Things I need to know

So sometimes life throws you questions that need to be answered above all else. I am going to present one of those questions to you.

So, in the movie/series The Highlander, sometimes when people die, they find they are immortal, come back to life, and are now part of a group of sword wielding people that don't age and can hear when another one is around by a noise only they hear so that they can get out their swords to cut each others heads off to gain the others power.

My question that needs to be answered, let's say a baby is born, ages about 6 months, then dies of whooping cough or something. That baby ends up being a highlander and comes back to life. The baby is now doomed to live out it's entire life as a 6mo old, no matter how long it lives.

Question 1: being trapped in a 6 mo old body, let's how long do you think it would survive? would other highlanders NOT cut off it's head because the quickening would be small and not worth it, or maybe because they don't believe the baby is actually immortal so they move along and assume the noise they heard belonged to someone they just missed.

Question 2: Let's say the baby manages to survive for 200 years, being stuck in a 6 mo old body, would the baby eventually learn everything like an adult like walking and talking or would it's perpetual baby chemistry prevent it from evolving past that of a 6 mo old?