Wednesday, July 11, 2012

best support call ever

this is a conversation i heard from the company next to mine (about 2 cubes away) while the guy in my building attempted to troubleshoot a microphone issue over the phone:

-  i can't really hear you, it sounds wet, like it's raining....
-  pull it in and out a few times....
-  no, still wet...try jamming it in harder
-  ...nope, still can't really hear you, try putting your mouth closer
-  ...noooo. same buzz... try turning it around and trying from behind...
-  ...hmmm. maybe it's something to do with the noise cancellation

I have absolutely nothing to accomplish today that will top that actual support call.

Monday, July 2, 2012

New TV show

i came up with a new TV show idea that is too long to explain via twitter.

Title: Dildo Santorini

Idea: The character is pretty much exactly like Colombo, except he's Greek and instead of cigars, he constantly has a handful of Greek olives. Maybe instead of investigating murders, he investigates homes all across greece to figure out which pet is peeing on the floor.

Catchphrase: Olive you know...i've solved the case.

Monday, April 23, 2012

Things I need to know

So sometimes life throws you questions that need to be answered above all else. I am going to present one of those questions to you.

So, in the movie/series The Highlander, sometimes when people die, they find they are immortal, come back to life, and are now part of a group of sword wielding people that don't age and can hear when another one is around by a noise only they hear so that they can get out their swords to cut each others heads off to gain the others power.

My question that needs to be answered, let's say a baby is born, ages about 6 months, then dies of whooping cough or something. That baby ends up being a highlander and comes back to life. The baby is now doomed to live out it's entire life as a 6mo old, no matter how long it lives.

Question 1: being trapped in a 6 mo old body, let's how long do you think it would survive? would other highlanders NOT cut off it's head because the quickening would be small and not worth it, or maybe because they don't believe the baby is actually immortal so they move along and assume the noise they heard belonged to someone they just missed.

Question 2: Let's say the baby manages to survive for 200 years, being stuck in a 6 mo old body, would the baby eventually learn everything like an adult like walking and talking or would it's perpetual baby chemistry prevent it from evolving past that of a 6 mo old?

Friday, April 20, 2012

'As cute as your kid' campaign: Episode 2: Jason's first cake!

Other examples of how fucking adorable this is!

I'm every bit as cute as those little shits.

Thursday, April 12, 2012

Monday, April 9, 2012

'As cute as your kid' campaign

So, as most of you probably have discovered, Facebook is pretty much just "pictures of my baby" book. I've decided to start a campaign to prove that I am as cute (or cuter) than your stupid baby.

Every wednesday until i get bored with it, I will post a new picture of me in the same pose as lame pictures of kids I find on facebook proving that i am just as cute as a stupid toddler.

As cute as your kid wednesday's will start this week. Stay tuned!

This is not to offend any new parents out there. It's just to prove that I am still as cute as a toddler, only i can drive a car and reach stuff on top of the fridge which makes me 100x cooler than your stupid kid.

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

My mom: Secret mad scientist

So on my drive home from work, i realized that my mom (and many of yours) are secretly mad scientists. I also realized they all have extremely morbid thoughts running through their head all the time. The next time you talk to your mom, just remember that she's probably thinking about a decapitated, raped, and burned child and how it can be used to make you safe.

What do I mean? well, my mom is one of those moms that asks you to give her a call and let you know you  got home safe after i leave her house or do major traveling.

Which if you think about it means that from the moment i leave her, until the moment i get home and call her to let her know, she has constant visions of me being horribly crushed or maybe crushed and raped, then pushed off a really tall cliff. don't judge me, these are my mom's thoughts, not mine.

How does constantly thinking about my mangled corpse make her a mad scientist?  Schrodinger's Cat

It's pretty much the exact same idea, only instead of my mom killing a cat, my mom is killing me.

For her, from the moment i leave, she assumes i have died until i call and verify otherwise. But there is still that assumption that i might just still be in transit and still alive. So for the duration of my traveling, my mom has to assume that i am both alive and dead at the same time.

i was not aware until last night that the lady that pronounces puerto rico as port-io rice-o was so scientific and demented.

If i find a vial of poison and a hammer rigged up in my car the next time i get in it, i'll know my mom has extended her scientific research.

Friday, January 6, 2012

Gettin Classy

The honey bear army has taken a turn for the classy. Please welcome (far right) half of the american gothic painting bear.

Obviously, the next honey bear will be the female counterpart of the american gothic painting.

holy shit! is that legendary iowa hawkeyes QB chuck long in the background?