Wednesday, July 29, 2009

in this dramatization, the names were changed to protect the inno.........the names were just changed ok?

Oh, I, I can't stand it any longer. This whole plant is insane. Insane, I tell you! [snaps mentally] Daahh! Aaah! [runs out of the auditorium, and into an equipment room] I can be lazy too! [takes his tie off, and moons one of the technicians] Look at me, I am a worthless employee, just like Homer Simpson! Give me a promotion!
[walks into the break room, and grabs two donuts from the box]

Ooh, I eat like a slob, but nobody minds! [eats in an exaggeratedly slobbish fashion]
[heads into a bathroom]
[from bathroom] I'm peeing on the seat. Give me a raise!
[emerges from the bathroom and waves his hands in Homer's face] Now I'm returning to work without washing my hands. But it doesn't matter, because I'm Homer Simpson!
[runs to Homer's work station and spins around in the chair] I don't need to do my work, 'cause someone else will do it for me. D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! [slaps forehead on each "D'oh!"]

Oh, hi, Mr. Burns. I'm the worst worker in the world. Time to go home to my mansion and eat my lobster.
[walks up to some dangerous-looking wires] What's this? [reads sign] "Extremely High Voltage." Well, I don't need safety gloves, because I'm Homer Simp-- [zap]

most of you know what this is in response to. if not, then you don't work with me or talk to me on a daily basis. that little snippet from the simpsons pretty much sums up my feelings about the situation though.

on a complete side note: to the lady driving in front of me on my way home last night, if i can smell your perfume like you just sprayed it in my face even though you are in another car and we are going 70mph, perhaps it's time to use less perfume. or at the very least, go see the doctor to figure out why your body smells so bad that you need to pour a whole bottle of perfume on yourself everyday.

Saturday, July 25, 2009

it's still weird.

it's still weird when i watch nascar racing and i see people in the race that i've raced with in the past when i worked on the race team.

hey, remember when you raced at kalamazoo and berlin raceway with brad and brian keselowski? remember when you raced in Columbus and you ate dinner in the keselowski family motor home? and do you remember when brad won the sprint cup race at tallegeda this year?

you remember when you pitted next to andy ponstein for two years? do you remember when you first saw andy on tv? weird.

you remember when david stremme bought you dinner after a practice session at k-zoo? and told stories about when he was racing andy ponstein?

remember when you saw chad blount try to qualify for the daytona 500 a couple of years ago and you thought to yourself...hey, i know that guy.....

then remember when you heard brad keselowski bumped into chad blount and one of them crashed in the know.... the one you are watching on tv?....right now?

it's weird watching people you have met on a personal basis on tv.

also, i miss racing. aka working on the race team.

Friday, July 24, 2009

the first rule of playing it cool, only smile at her face

so i'm sure most of you heard about the 3 guys that escaped from michigan city prison a couple of weeks ago.

this is a quick rant about how these are the dumbest criminals ever.

they were obviously smart enough to escape from prison, and to do so in a way that days after their escape, it was still unsure exactly how the hell they got out. but apparently, their super powers and brains only work in prison.

the first guy that was caught was caught the next morning after hanging out in the driveway of the beach house of Chicago's mayor. his plan of escape: to find a nice upscale neighborhood with really jumpy people and probably some sort of old lady neighborhood watch, find the most high profile house there, then loiter in the driveway in what i can only assume would still be his prison clothes. really anything short of nice dress pants and a a polo shirt will get you noticed.

sadly, he's not the dumbest of the three.

the second was caught sleeping on his moms couch.....i almost have nothing to say about this. going to your parents house after an escape is almost as genius as saying "the last place they'll think of to look for me is back in my prison cell...mwhahahaah."
this guys needs to watch more movies about this subject. they always have places you are familiar with under a watchful eye.
study materials for this guy: the movie u.s. marshals, the shawshank redemption. items not to study: the cat came back.

the final guy lasted the longest. he did something that kept him under the radar for 11 days. what was that you ask? yes. he went back to the scene of the crime. essentially. he murdered a guy on the NW side of indy a few years ago. they caught him in a hotel on the NW side of indy.

why did none of these guys leave the country? or shit, even indiana. ok. so if you're an escaped fugitive, you probably have no id, and no passport. it would be hard to catch a flight or cross borders. but it's a slow process. you can try to get a fake id and fly away. or you can sneak into canada or mexico. the texas redneck civilian border patrol is only looking to "keep them damn mexicans out". i'm sure they wouldn't blink an eye at a white, redneck looking guy crossing the river INTO mexio. from there, you head south. don't speak Spanish or Portuguese? that's fine. sneak into canada, head to alaska, and take the palin bridge to nowhere over to russia.

Monday, July 13, 2009

the good news is, i bought you a new puppy. the bad news is, it's a dead puppy.

that's essentially the theme of my day today. beware: some nerdy shit follows.

today i conquered google. after several years of our company site not showing up on the first page of an organic google search, or in the search results at all, i found today that we are on the first page of an organic search. ding. next stop, cloud 9. i have spent months researching SEO and rebuilding the website and implementing all sorts of shit that should help with searches. until today, the results were pretty much unchanged. until today. so that's good. it made me happy. then i checked the analytics on the site to find that something went wrong and the site is no longer being tracked in analytics. somehow all of my trackers were deleted from the website files. and since i don't recall opening 70ish webpages and deleting a chunk of code, you will see that i have now descended back to around cloud 2. but it's a fairly easy fix, so let's bump it back up to cloud 5. one of my friends at work is getting divorced. cloud 1. then i get called into a meeting with my entire department and the prez. my favorite employee / boss got a new job and is leaving in two weeks. cloud -4.

so what started off as a pretty decent day, and for the most part still is, is spiraling into an emotional roller coaster.

prepare for seriously gay content: this employee / boss that is leaving is most of the reason i like my job. pretty much no matter what horrible shit i could be facing at work or no matter how much i don't want to be there, there's always the thought in my head: "it could be worse, brian could not be there." and now that's true.

easily the best boss i've ever had. he's tremendous at reading his employees and tayloring his management style to them. with him here, i know where i stand in my job. i know he has my back pretty much for anything. i know i always have someone in my corner for my fight. now...who knows. it could work out nicely for me. i could get some promotion. or i could get a shit-tastic new boss that makes me hate my life and my work. only time will tell. all i know is that two weeks from now i will be starting work at this company i have worked for for two years as a new employee. the job i currently know and enjoy is over. positive thinking says the job won't change much or could even change for the better. but there's a good chance it will be the opposite. fun fucked up fact that i just looked up, his last day is july 24th, which is exactly 2 years to the day from the day he emailed me with my job offer. good times. side note, if "the tank" becomes my boss, i'll kill going to work and letting him be my boss. because it would kill me.

Community, Identity, Stability.

Thursday, July 2, 2009

just sit back and relax, accumulate what falls into your lap

i'm having one of those days where i feel like i'm the only responsible person in the world. granted this is obviously not true, but it's just what i feel like because of all of the people around me who suck.

this morning i was driving to work and there was a smoker in front of me. i don't understand the obsession with smokers and thinking the rest of the world is their ash tray. you know what's actually your ash tray? that's right.....your ash tray. there are two types of smokers that are worse than the ones that just flick their filters out onto the ground. one type i was behind this morning. it's the smoker that doesn't just flick the filter out his car window, but makes a point to flick it way way out of the window in an attempt to keep it from flying back into his back window or such. and what is the result of that when there are other motorists? well, it flew back past his car, landed on my hood, rolled up my hood and fell into my car where the windshield wipers are. so when i got to work, i got to spend some time of my life looking for the cigarette butt and i got the joy of being able to pick up some fuckers road to lung cancer and carry it to the garbage.

Summary of that type of person: i don't give a fuck about you or the world. flicking out the window = fuck everyone

the only type of person that is worse is the person that actually does use the ash tray, but then stops at a stoplight or a parking lot and just pours the contents of the ash tray onto the ground.

dear smokers. enjoy your lung cancer and early death. that's karma fucking with you for years of littering.

i'm quickly getting tired of the "me first" or "i'll just have someone else do it for me" mentality of the U.S. People don't hate us because they're dicks, they hate us because WE'RE dicks.