Friday, September 24, 2010

twist top vs pry top

this is a blog about beer because i am drinking beer and just had an epiphany.

it's pretty understood in the beer drinking crowd that pry off caps usually belong to the more expensive / pretentious beers. i completely agree and love that fact. shitty beer requires you to drink as much of it as you can as fast as you can to get drunk as fast as you can. good beer is consumed slowly, is tasted, and drunk is a very happy side effect.

miller lite goes so far as to rifle the necks of their bottles to blast the shitty triple hopped (saying something is triple hopped only matters if you can actually taste the hops......) beer into your tasteless mouth. you know what else rifles stuff into your mouth?........that's right....dick. people do it, but most people would rather not. i can't say the same for miller lite.

next time you are buying beer, check out the cap. does it have ridges for the screw top? yes? well then waste your money if you want to drink 17 beers to get drunk and fuck some chick that's "like totally excited to be out with her girls". but if you actually want to get drunk faster, drink beer that has a pry top because it is most likely something delicious and higher in alcohol than miller lite or equivalent. so you'll get drunk faster, it will taste better, and the girl you choose will probably be into more sophisticated stuff than labradoodles. she probably won't sleep with you because she's better than that, but hey, at least the beer was good.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

This just in:

...that is all. You may return to your regular internet viewing.

Bob Sanders pronounced dead after a strong breeze rips his head off.

so bob sanders fell on his head and hurt his arm in the first game of the season last weekend and they think he might have a torn bicep which would essentially put him on the sidelines for the remainder of the season.

here is a fun snippet of text from an article on the colts web page that will make you feel bad about how much money you make compared to the amount of work you do:

"In 2005, Sanders started 14 times, earning his first Pro Bowl trip. A year later, Sanders missed 12 games with a knee injury but returned for the playoffs and was a key cog in the Colts' Super Bowl run. In 2007, a healthy Sanders started 15 games, made 132 tackles, was selected to his second Pro Bowl and was the NFL's defensive player of the year.
Irsay rewarded Sanders with a five-year, $37.5 million contract, $20 million of that guaranteed.
But since then, Sanders has been through pure misery.
He's missed 24 of 33 regular-season games with an assortment of injuries -- including a knee injury and the torn biceps that kept him out all but two games last season. And Sanders' career log now shows 48 games played, 49 games missed in seven seasons."

Monday, September 13, 2010

it's absolutely confirmed

i love topgear.
BBC America. check it out. you'll either love it or i'll hate you forever. and you don't want me to hate you because i'm so fashionable and popular.


Wednesday, September 8, 2010

god forgive me for my sins

so at work it's come down from the mountain (marketing) that i have to put up a popup survey when people come to our corporate site.

every browser i have tried it in blocks it because everyone has a popup blocker now. the company that marketing got the survey though isn't good enough to make the popup editable so i can modify it so the popup blockers don't block it.

this project pains me in every way possible. I disagree with the survey and i VERY much disagree with making it a popup. sadly this is one of the few things i can't really fight. i just have to do it.

seriously though, words can't describe how much i don't want to do this. it makes me feel dirty. it makes me sad to have my name on the website i have built and maintained for the last three and a half years.

the best example i could come up with getting a brand new (insert your favorite car here) corvette and then slapping a 4ft tall dildo right on the hood. just flopping around as you drive. telling everyone as you drive around: "yeah, i've got a corvette. it's awesome. it's fast as shit, and yes....that's a giant rubber dick on my hood.."

if i wasn't at work, there would be a photoshopped example. hitler with cotton candy, yeah, i can do that at work. photoshopping a dildo is a little over the line.

though i guess it won't matter much because this is my last day at work. for you see, right after i put this popup survey on the website, i'm going to climb on the roof of the building, and hurl my pathetic popup adding body on to marketings car.

pray for my we go....

Friday, September 3, 2010

oh my captcha, you do go on...

while i was replying to kourtney's comment on my last blog post i received the following captcha message:

The alternate title for this blog post was: STREEEEEEETCHED ANUS!

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

I am Jack's complete lack of understanding

this post is full of pictures and anger. it's over a week in the making but that's mostly because i'm so damn busy that i haven't had time to rant. or maybe fate was just holding me until today. why today? i'll get to that.

so many of you know of the problems i have had with my garbage man. if not, feel free to read previous posts. i'm not going to bore the people that know with the details. needless to say, i adapted the way i threw out garbage to ensure i didn't piss off the guy that makes 20k a year picking up the worlds filth. Last tuesday, i went outside with a flash light and garbage bags to consolidate any stray grocery bags full of cat litter or other stinky, stray garbage inside my garbage can. I actually pulled out everything from the outside garbage can and condensed it to 4 easy to lift garbage bags.

You did it Jason. You finally figured out the very specific way the garbage man wants the garbage arranged in the can in order for him to do his fucking job and take the garbage.

drum roll please....

That's what i came home to find after my hard work. figured it out yet? if you guessed the mother fucker threw away my entire garbage can with my garbage. you win!!! your prize: 1 garbage can lid (shown above)

so now i either get to store garbage in my garage during the week while i wait for garbage day, or put it where the can used to be and let the raccoons distribute it throughout my yard.

So I had a week of healing. i've accepted my garbage fate. I have come to the conclusion that i get to spend another $40 of my hard earned money on something my garbage man will very likely throw away because he's pissed off he failed out of Indianapolis University and has to pick up bags of other people's shit for a living.

today i came home to find this:

He was nice enough to put the door in the mailbox for me. i put it on top to take the picture.
It's like Emeril delivered my mail. "Just add a dash of mail..BAM!"
seriously though, the door has been hanging on by 1 hinge for about a year now. but i repaired the hinge and it would take quite the force to pull it off. Now i don't know if you have ever watched a mailman in a truck deliver mail. They really he-man the mailbox doors when they open it. So i am giving the mailman the benefit of the doubt. He's in a hurry and my mailbox sucks.

but wait! look closer at the door. just above my now bent make shift bolt for a handle...tire tracks. he ran it over. I can only hope he gave it a pull, the door finally came all the way off and he said to himself "it's about TIME!. i will not let this cheap son of a bitch reattach this door." then he ran over it.

If i thought he did it on purpose like the garbage man, i would very much reattach this door in the most annoying of fashions. but alas, instead i will invest $23 in a new mailbox and will think of a fun way to display my address on it (regular numbers?.....snoooooooooze)

Now for the happier, but still picture ridden part of my blog post. while loading soap into the dishwasher i discovered something:

We use a lot of freaking spoons. In this case, nothing BUT spoons. That little kid from the Oracle's house would be sad (there is no spoon).

Finally, On saturday, I became an uncle again. His name is Jackson Rodgers, he's adorable (trust me, it takes a lot for me to say that, even about family) and tonight i watched him pee all over his dad.

No, that's not daddy holding him. That's grandpa.

blogcrest Out!