Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Jason's Guide to determining if cops should not be trusted.

The first rule of the guide, and it's really the main rule is: are you in indianapolis.

If you answered yes, then you should not trust the cops. you're more likely to get proper help from that guy in the shitty van with cardboard over the back window that looks like he just got done raping corpses.

some of you know, and some of you will read now about my adventures with an indianapolis cop driving home from work a couple of fridays ago. i was driving home the way i normally do. 65 - 70 in traffic, 75 - 80 when no one is around me. when you drive 30 miles to and from work everyday, you tend to speed a little. but keep in mind, i go 65-70 in traffic because that's what traffic is going with a decent amount of cars going in the mid 70s and such. so 80 is fast, but not tear the hair from your body fast.

so i'm driving along and when i get behind cars in the left lane that are going much slower than traffic and refuse to move over (which is about 80% of the asshole cars in indianapolis), i drive behind them for a min to see if they will move and if not, i pass them on the right. so on my drive, i pass two cars on the right and got between 75-80 when there are no cars in front of me. next thing i know, i see cop lights. damn. there goes not having any tickets on my license. so i pull to the side of the road, get out my wallet, and roll down my window. the cop takes a second, then gets out of his car. as he's walking up to my car i hear "PUT YOUR FUCKING HANDS ON THE WHEEL" so i do so. this is when i notice that he is holding his gun on me. the resulting dialog goes as follows (caps is the cop yelling, lowercase is me)




i wait in my car for about 3 min until finally he starts to come back to my car. as he's walking back up, he's shining his flashlight on my steering wheel to make sure my hands are still there. he walks back up to my window and, with gun still drawn, points it at me again.


then he throws my license into my seat an walks back to his car.

after a second, i drive away and he drives away. he proceeds to tear across traffic into the left lane and takes off "like a bat out of hell" if you will. no lights, no siren....just flying through traffic like an actual madman.

now it's not uncommon to see cops speeding like crazy in indy. they have this thing i call the 38th st shuffle which is pretty much every indy cop that passes me on my way to work in the morning is driving around 80mph and always gets off at 38th st.

this morning, i got passed by a cop that was driving with one hand stretched out casually across the passenger seat (i'm assuming similar to how they casually hang out with prostitutes in their cars, but all of the other criminal doing of cops in indy is for a different post). so the cop is driving with one hand, not going to a call, very calmly going 90ish without his lights on. i know this because after he passed me, i got into the left lane and sped up and my going 80 still caused him to pull away from me. while i was behind him, he was tailgating the shit out of people until they moved, he passed several cars on the right, and at one time, cut across 2 lanes to the right, passed some cars and a semi, then whipped back into the left lane. this is WAY worse than i was driving when a cop held his gun on me and threatened to shoot me.

so cops can drive in a way that according to a certain cop, is a crime so bad they are to be held at gunpoint and not get in trouble at all. i want to become a state cop just so i can pull over the local indy cops and make them sob in their cars by holding my gun on them and threaten to take away their right to rape prostitutes and drive while drunk.

moral of the story....i want my tax dollars back.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

i found a new way to conserve electricity

this is a letter to the car with no lights on during my drive home. driving with only your parking lights on when it's dark outside doesn't really get the job done. especially when you are in a black car. it might work if you were in a neon green car.

to answer your question that i just made up during this imaginary debate we're having, yes, i do see that all of the other cars lights are sufficiently lighting the road. but here's the thing, head lights in this scenario are really more for the other motorists. without them, they can't see you.

and i know, because your bumper sticker told me so, that your guardian angel is your co-pilot, but unless they're holding a flashlight, we're liable to run both you and your angel down because we can't see you.

god willing, you'll get crushed by a semi.

Monday, November 30, 2009

my dry erase marker smells like wet gym socks...

and yet i smelled it 3 times just to make sure. and don't tell me you have never smelled something terrible, then gone back for seconds or thirds just to make sure it really does smell awful.

while eating lunch at a restaurant with some friends and their 2 yr old baby yesterday, yet another reason why my having children would be a terrible idea. see, this kid dropped a crayon on the ground and i picked it up. the baby instantly turned this into a game. let's see how many times jason will pick up my crayons.

the problem with this is, i'm also immature like a baby and i too turn it into a game. the only problem is, i'm much smarter and meaner than a baby. so for every crayon the baby dropped, i picked it up but placed it just outside of the babies reach. one crayon rolled away. the baby starred at it, waiting for me to get it. i actually looked at the baby and said "i'm not going to get that, i guess you're out of luck"

the baby then couldn't handle the fact that i wasn't picking it up and after squirming in the highchair for a while, was let loose by the mom. the second his feet hit the floor, he ran to the crayon to pick it up. it's a small victory for me, but a victory none the less. babies are like little poopy experiments.

other fun games to play with babies:

- teach them incorrect things. example: teach them a shirt is actually a shoe, fingers are actually arms...and so on

- place all of their favorite toys just centimeters out of reach

- when they are crying for no reason (like when they cry for attention) respond by fake crying back at them. eventually they will stop crying. continue to fake cry at them until a look of fear comes over their face.

- spend time teaching them how to dress themselves. once they have learned, replace all of their clothes with replicas two sizes too small.

Friday, November 13, 2009

you lazy S.O.B.s

for those of you with RSS readers, i have added an RSS feed to my comic. now the comic will come to YOU!!


Tuesday, November 10, 2009

working my way up the famous ladder

ok, so i'm not actually famous and most likely will not be. but i do still a little sense of pride because google images has taken a liking to my travel pictures.

searching common terms many people would search while researching a trip very frequently turns up my travel photos within the first two pages of results.

go to

example searches:
dublin's bridges at night
Kilmainham Gaol (jail)
Inside Dublin Castle

it also appears that google images only likes my ireland pictures.

Monday, November 9, 2009

i'm not calling you a cry-ass

but had you complained about this before i changed it, then i would have called you a cry ass.

the comic now displays the newest comic on the main page and you have to navigate to the older ones. as opposed to what it was before when the first comic was first and i made you work like dogs to get to the newest one.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

breaking news: north side man goes to the barber, gets hair cut

ahh indianapolis news. it's like news, only news that's old.

last month, there were a bunch of people waiting in line for the pork flu vaccine that may or may not cause elephantiasis of the balls or some other horrible side effects. yesterday, indy got another round and it was such big news again, that there were news helicopters covering it. it costs hundreds of dollars to run helicopters for a short amount of time and they used them to cover a story that they covered exactly the same way less than a month ago? did i mention that all the helicopter taped was people standing in line at the mall waiting to get a shot.

this is news chopper 8, high in the sky above the lafayette square mall where literally hundreds of people have turned out to get a flu shot. as you can see below, people are waiting in a nice orderly fashion lined up outside the mall. we will stick with this story as it develops.....whoa! did you see that? that lady just dropped her scarf. she can't be happy with that *turn the chooper around joe, we need a better angle on the scarf lady* as she dusts off her scarf, i can't imagine what is going through her head. did i just get the pork flu because of this? am i too late? what will happen to my children after i die, which she most certainly will. *joe...pan to the left* unbelievable turn of events here folks. there is actually an old lady hand out cough drops. perhaps the thought of the impending vaccine has caused these people to become lax. all i know is that grandma death down there is going to have alot of repenting to do on her death bed, which will surely be soon thanks to the pork flu, for all the people she is murdering here today with her cough drops of death. we will cut back to the mall whenever stories develop. now back to pablo in the studio.

thanks chopper 8. regular tap water is killing people at an alarming rate. you and your family are in great danger right now. find out why right after this...

does anyone else think it's funny that you're probably more likely to get the pork flu standing in a huddled mass out in the cold waiting for a vaccine than you would be if you just went about your normal life and washed your hands on a regular basis.

Monday, November 2, 2009

the new comic

ok. so the page for the new comic is up.

i know the page is ugly. when i get time, i will make it look pretty.

So the name of the comic is Gentleman's Beard Monthly. This is in no way an idea of what the comic is about. the comic has nothing to do with beards. the comic is just random shit that goes through my head. just like how i came up the title for the comic.

But as you will notice by the header of the page, there is a dashing gentleman with a beard. Once a month, you will receive a new beard via the header. I will post a new beard on the first of each month (or when the first comic of the month is due)

this will be the last i remind people about the comic via the blog and the last i will explain what the hell the comic is about. enjoy.

new comic

heather has convinced me to use my old comic management system to house this next comic. so i will do that, but i have to spend this evening preping it for the new comic since i did not do that this weekend. so in the meant time, i will give you the first comic via blog and move the rest to the new system starting wednesday.

This comic was inspired by halloween and a really interesting girl heather and i had the pleasure of eating dinner next to. this will be the only comic with a story. the rest you will have to figure out for yourselves.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

i had an idea of selling tacos to hungry people. NO ONE ELSE CAN SELL TACOS NOW!

so pepsi is being sued for $1.26 billion by two guys from Wisconsin. They are claiming that many years ago, they came up with the idea of putting water into bottles....and then selling it. I mean, think of it. it's genius. before those guys, you had to drink water by cupping your hands together or drinking it off of a plate. you didn't even invent the liquid. you took something the earth made and....well you get the idea.

now i'm not saying that these guys didn't come up with the idea first, i'm just saying that it's not like they spent millions developing a new type of engine that runs on love that no one else could have ever thought of. They thought about containing water for future use. I declare that this idea was actually invented by nature and that nature should sue these guys for 1.56 trillion Bazillion dollars. i mean, think of all of the money nature would have made over the years (6k years if you're a bible thumper or something like 5 billion years if you use logic).

oh, and here's the other fun fact. the true inventors of capturing water in a bottle worked at a bottling plant and shorty after they "invented" it, they showed their design to pepsi. rule number one of inventing is to NOT take your invention to someone that does the same job as you without getting your invention patented first. rule two of inventing is you actually have to invent something. waving your hand quickly and claiming you have invented wind is bullshit. now find a way to make a constant form of wind, maybe by spinning large leaves or boards quickly and guess what. you did it! you invented a fan. now quick. go get a patent on it. don't immediately take it to Hunter and show them, glowing with pride, and not expect them to steal the idea.

i hope the guy that first put dirt into a bag doesn't get wind of this.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

stop hitting me heather!!!! noooooooo!

for weeks heather has been passive aggressively harassing me about the lack of blog posts and web comics. so i'm hear, via blog post, to tell you that starting monday, i will be posting a new web comic. This comic does not have a theme like the gracie comic did. this is just stupid shit that drills its way into my head. some if it may not be funny to you. some of it may not make sense to you. some of it might only be funny to me. for those of you that experience this, i hate you. get a sense of humor. if you do not find the same things funny that i do, you're obviously dead inside.

i will try to make the comic a monday, wed, friday thing but if i forget a day, do me a favor and keep the complaint to yourself. i'm only human.

also, i will be posting the comic directly to the blog and not creating a page like the gracie comic because that interface sucked to deal with on my end and i'm much to lazy to write my own interface.

Monday, October 5, 2009

you shoot it up your nose

no seriously. the H1N1 (popularly known as the Pork Flu) vaccine is injected up the nose. fuck going right into the blood stream and getting right to work. lets shoot that shit up the nose like cocaine and have a fucking paaaaaarty!. wooooo.

indystar: worst writers ever?:

Indianapolis medical workers became the first in the country today to receive a dose of the H1N1 flu vaccine – a nasal mist meant to give first responders protection against the illness, which has been blamed for hundreds of deaths since it was first identified six months ago.

maybe i'm the only one that read the above as: indianapolis medical workers got a nasal mist meant to protect against the illness, but has been blamed for hundreds of deaths. now i know it's probably correct (i say probably because i'm as good at english as i am at math....which is bad, but regardless (or irregardless for the mentally retarded of my readers) of that fact, to me, it read as if the vaccine was responsible for hundreds of deaths....and it was injected in the nose.

80 days until the next european vacation. my goals from now until then: get a bunch of freelance web jobs and make a bunch of money, avoid the Pork Flu vaccine, do some other things that i have forgotten because i'm distracted by tv (damn you comedy central) and learn french. must learn french. heather has to learn fancy spanish and i have to learn french.............must not fail on french.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

failures and photo albums

so pretty much everyday from about august 12th until now, i've been about 20 min late for work everyday. this is because suddenly traffic on the highway has increased and i spend alot of time sitting in traffic jam on my way to work.

today i decided to try something. i woke up about 20 min earlier than normal in an attempt to get to work on time. the results? i got to work 22min late instead of 20 min late. so tomorrow i will be waking up at my normal time because fuck waking up early to get to work even later. the problem is i woke up earlier so i got on the road earlier. the earlier you are on the highway, the heavier the traffic is. so my getting onto the highway earlier just meant the traffic jam was a couple of miles longer than normal.

now here is a bold statement that i honestly believe. I blame children for my long, annoying morning commute. children have made me late for work everyday since mid august. how can i say this? ok. follow along. i'm serious about this.

mid august is when school started. i think there were alot of parents that went to work at different times during the summer because they were waiting for a babysitter or daycare or something. so they got on the road at a different time. now that school is back in session, they merely have to wait for the kid to get on the bus which gives them the opportunity to get on the road at the same time as me which means there are alot more cars on the road with me. the only day i tend to get to work on time during school is on friday and that's just because of all of the people that skip work on friday.

also, operation make my web photo albums uniform starts today. the goal is to take all of my albums i have on my site and make the interfaces all the same and speed up some of the slower albums. during this i also hope to actually get the US map working on my site (as currently the pins are way off and do not link to pictures). this is all in preps for our winter trip so i can quickly and easily add those pics to the map after we get back.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

i think my car is trying to tell me something

what's that car? want me to burn things?

perhaps i should name my car christine.

Sunday, August 30, 2009

lisa! in this house we obey the laws of thermodynamics!

so this is going to be a long and nerdy post. just an fyi. most of you probably don't care and those that do, maybe you can give me answers to my questions.

so a few years ago i came up with an idea for an electric car that is regenerative. what that means is as the car is using it's batteries to propel the car, it also recharges the batteries which means it will require less stops to recharge the batteries. when i proposed this idea to my brother and my dad a few years ago, they essentially told me i was an idiot and that i had just invented perpetual motion. true. if i had claimed that the car produces 100% + of the energy it was using. unfortunately for them, that is not what i was saying and they were too close minded to understand what i was saying. what i was actually saying was to use the cars forward momentum to supplement the charging of the batteries. it would increase the range of the car, but eventually you would still have to stop and plug in or recharge the batteries in some way.

i have done some research online about this subject and have found that others that have this idea are also met with people telling them they have invented perpetual motion. i say again, open your mind and hear what we are actually saying. not 100% in and out. 100% out, maybe 80% in as opposed to the almost 0% in currently.

so if you just hooked an alternator up to the car, it would basically take 100% of the energy from the motor to push the car forward. this means there is then no energy left to turn the alternator. if you get the car moving and then engage the alternator, you are essentially counteracting the motor with the alternator and the car would come to a stop. so you use regenerative braking systems like in hybrid cars. meaning the alternators do not spin while the car is in motion so that all of the power from the motor is used for propelling the car. when it is time to stop the car, instead of having standard friction brakes that convert forward momentum into heat in order to stop the car, you have the alternator that is designed to counteract the momentum of the car. so pretty much when you hit the breaks you are actually turning off the electric motor and engaging the alternator which will take the forward momentum and turn it into rotational movement and create electricity. the car stops, the batter charges. unfortunately, what this means is that if you wanted to keep your car charged while you are using electricity to propel it, you have to constantly start and stop. aka, driving on city streets. on the highway where there is very little braking so very little spinning of the alternator, which means you are using up all the battery power without recharging.

this is obviously a major flaw in my design and of course is no where near perpetual motion. so step one is to put a regenerative braking system in the car. step two is to find supplemental systems to supply more power to the batteries. ideally, you want to do this without without a negative effect on the electric motor. meaning, a way to recharge the batteries that doesn't require energy from the momentum of the car or what have you. an example, it has been proposed that you could attach the alternator to a fan blade and as the car is driving forward, the blade would spin the alternator and charge the battery. the only downside is that with the friction of the air, it will require energy to spin the blade which basically means the fan blade will make the car less aerodynamic and in turn will make the motor work harder to keep the car moving. i might be possible to add a gearing system to the fan so that on initial start up, there will be no positive production from the fan, but as the fan spins and moves up through the gears, it takes less and less energy to spin the blade, which means more energy being added to the batteries. this system would only be engaged while on long stretches of highway. if you were to use it in the city with the constant starting and stopping, the fan blade would never make it through the gears to a gear that makes it easy to spin, and you would just use as much energy as is being produced.

so what we have now is an electric car with regenerative braking to charge in the city and a geared fan system to recharge on long highway runs. with these two systems, you could probably produce a system that would greatly extend the range of an electric car to a point where it could make long trips like gas or hybrid cars can. but there are other ways to get electricity to the batteries that actually require no extra force from the electric motor and doesn't even require the car to be moving or on. if you just said solar, then you are correct. now if you've researched solar at all, you know that solar powered cars are fairly slow and lack in power. solar, though completely independent of friction and momentum and such, is mostly a low voltage type of power source. the amount of solar panels it would take to power an entire car or charge batteries at the rate an electric car would use it, would be more than you could possibly put onto the surface of a car and at that point, the weight of the solar panels would make the car use more energy to move forward. but, if you placed of the high efficiency solar panels on the roof (similar to the ones the new Yaris uses to power the A/C systems) you could use it as a trickle charger for the batteries. what this means is that while the car is moving, city or highway, it will always have two systems charging the batteries. but it also means that when the car is completely stopped and the first two systems are inoperable, the solar system is still charging. stop lights, traffic jams, stopping to get gas to grab a bite to eat. at all times the solar system is charging the car. that will not only extend the time between a full charging further, but it will also decrease the amount of time an actual plug in charge would take to charge (assuming the car is exposed to sun of course)(this is where the true solar nerd installs windows in their garage roofs to allow the sun to shine even when parked in the garage.)

all of these things would make the electric car usable like a real car. depending on the efficiency of the motor and batteries and all of the components of the car, it would be possible to create an electric car that could make a cross country trip on a single charge.

Friday, August 28, 2009

things you can't do while your wife is asleep in the other room

play the trumpet
clean the bedroom
make cookies (the mixer is loud)
install quarter round
yell at the cats
watch a loud movie
practice the speech from braveheart
play with laser legos (you don't have them...only i do. and they're loud)
pantomime Shakespeare
practice drums on rockband

the only one i actually want to do is the last one. but i can't do the others either. at least not without being a dick. no 1 am yodeling for me.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

you're're all doooooooommed

That's the front page of the indystar news paper today. in giant 72pt text. at least their not fear mongering at all.
man, if i got the pork flu, i would have to stay at home and lay on the couch and eat soup and drink sprite. fuck you pork flu. that's a terrible fate and i refuse to submit to it.....actually, it sounds like a sunday. so i guess mondays are the cure for the pork flu. but what will cure a case of the mondays!!! assume mondays are everywhere.

i think a better headline to replace the one above would be: "official: take vitamins, don't eat like shit and use common sense"

the only good thing that will come of this article will be that the entire world will be terrified of the pork flu. then i can go around and just start coughing on things. once i do, people will assume it is now infected, and i get to keep it.

corvette dealer: cough cough....well, i better get this infected corvette our of your way.
Best buy: sorry i coughed on all of your dvds and wii games. i'll get those out of here right away.
people carrying babies: sorry i coughed on your baby. i guess i'll take it. (i know what you're saying, jason, why would you want to cough on a baby. then you have to take it. and i say, what's the point of building all of those cages in my garage if i'm not going to have a fresh stock of babies to keep in them. didn't think about that did you. side note: huge baby blow out this weekend. all babies 1/2 off. the ones that are infected with pork flu 3/4 off.

this week so far (12:30 on thursday) i have received 340 email at work. this does not include junk mail or stuff like that. these are 340 emails that i have to read and respond to or analyse. no real rant about this other than outlook is becoming a trigger for explosive diarrhea.

also, if you climbed into a car backwards in the back seat, you can't claim that the car is designed poorly. you're just using it wrong. the same principle applies to the internet and web pages. write that down.

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

hey homer, way to get marge pregnant

if you've ever received a card from me, there's a good chance it either has nothing to do with the actual event the card is for, or it's just inappropriate in some other way.

this is because of two factors:
1. i hate shopping for cards so i tend to just grab a random card and call it a day.
2. i hate sappy cards even for sappy situations.

example: last night heather and i had to buy a card for a baby shower. i quickly found i was very disappointed in their funny cards for people having a baby. needless to say, they had two cards that were considered funny and they would only be funny to you if you were home schooled and had no friends.

my idea was to make my own card company in which i create funny / inappropriate cards for situations that don't normally call for it. by inappropriate, i don't technically mean gross or something. for my friends graduation, i got him a little pink fuzzy kitty card that said "someone thinks you're special" and on the inside it said "it's me!". inappropriate as in, not related to that subject at all. in fact, i think for my brothers college graduation, i found a thank you card that said "thanks for not using all of the toilet paper". Not sure why there was a card like that, but it worked for my needs.

so since i've discovered this niche, i feel it is my duty to fill the world with cards it didn't think it needed.

Card 1: Congratulations - Baby
the front of the card has all kinds of images from all around the world. the cliffs of moher, the Eiffel tower, the great wall of china...and so on. then on the inside it says: "congratulations on your baby. i hope you enjoyed the cover of this card because those are all places you'll never get to go now.

card 2: Congratulations - Baby
the outside cover is just a picture or drawing of a baby. the inside says: here's to hoping your baby isn't a mongoloid.

card 3: Congratulations - Baby
the outside says: "i hear your being blessed with a baby!" then the inside is a free, fold out for sale sign and says: "you can use this for sale sign to sell your sports car you worked so hard to get"

card 4: Congratulations - Baby
on the outside it just says congratulations. on the inside ( this is a scented card), it smells of baby poop and it just says "get used to this smell"

card 5: Congratulations - Baby
outside: "babies are truly a blessing from god. babies bring endless happiness."
inside: a sheet of sandpaper and a small hammer and the text reads: "babies also bring destruction. use this card to pre-destroy all of your shit.

card 6: Congratulations - Baby
this is one of those audio cards.
outside: it shows a mom and a dad relaxing together, having a bit of wine.
inside: as soon as you open the card, it makes a loud crashing noise followed by crying. the text reads: "babies: ruining romantic evenings since that fateful night when the condom broke"

and so on and so on.

this idea can be applied to just about any subject.

outside: sorry to her that your grandpa died
inside: happy to hear about the classic mustang you just inherited.

outside: a card is the perfect way to say...
inside: that i gave you herpes...
back: and the clap

outside: sorry to hear about your accident. arms don't grow back, but it could be worse...
inside: at least you can't be turned into a midget by accident.

outside: i'm sorry to hear your hair dresser fuck up your head.
inside: at least that shit grows back, you're stuck with that Chinese symbol tattoo forever.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

wild wacky action bike! it's really hard to ride!

i hope danica patrick knows that she's setting her sex back in her sport. she does all of these go daddy commercials where she pretends to be all sexy ( i say pretends because on a scale of 1-10, 10 being hot as the sun, she's about a 3....i don't want to vomit.....but i am counting the seconds until i don't have to see her anymore). so she does these go daddy commercials. the other go daddy girls...what's a good word for them....whores? sure. i don't use that word often. it's one of those words i only use when i mean it. if you have seen any of the godaddy commercials, you understand. their spokes women are good examples of whores. selling out their sex to promote a terrible web host. when danica patrick first came into auto racing i honestly respected her. she was good. compared to most of the women in racing, she had potential. it was nice to see a woman in a mans sport actually doing well. then she started posing for magazines, and she became a godaddy girl and she sold out her sex. now i don't mind selling out. i get it. you have a niche. you're a woman in a man's sport, or you just won the super bowl and you have a catchy dance that kraft wants to use. fine. sell out. that's fine. earn everything you can from your popularity. it's fleeting. but for the love of fuck have some respect. when danica won her first race, i was happy to see it happen, and sad at the same time. it meant she was going to be more popular...and for her, that means more shitty godaddy commercials. maybe this is fueled by my hated for godaddy. or maybe it's fueled by my destruction of respect for someone who could have worked wonders in the position she is in. she's been thinking about moving to nascar. there's only one thing that rednecks hate as much as minorities, and that's women. i'm not saying that she shouldn't try nascar, i'm just saying the transition from indy to nascar is very VERY hard. dario franchitti tried it. he's an amazing indycar driver (my favorite). he tried a season in nascar. he wrecked all the time and lost his sponsor and his ride before his first season was over. he came back to indycar and has won several races and leads the points. he's a great driver. danica is good. not great. please don't use being a female as a launchpad into nascar where you will most likely fail.

just as i type this, commercial #5 staring danica is on tv. fuck you comedy central for only buying 3 commercials for 12 hours of programming.

there was actually a second subject i was going to add to this blog post, but for the life of me i can't remember what it is. instead i spent way too much time complaining about danica. oh and firefox....i updated you once already...if you honestly have 2 updates in 1 day...then i declare you need a better QA dept.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

in this dramatization, the names were changed to protect the inno.........the names were just changed ok?

Oh, I, I can't stand it any longer. This whole plant is insane. Insane, I tell you! [snaps mentally] Daahh! Aaah! [runs out of the auditorium, and into an equipment room] I can be lazy too! [takes his tie off, and moons one of the technicians] Look at me, I am a worthless employee, just like Homer Simpson! Give me a promotion!
[walks into the break room, and grabs two donuts from the box]

Ooh, I eat like a slob, but nobody minds! [eats in an exaggeratedly slobbish fashion]
[heads into a bathroom]
[from bathroom] I'm peeing on the seat. Give me a raise!
[emerges from the bathroom and waves his hands in Homer's face] Now I'm returning to work without washing my hands. But it doesn't matter, because I'm Homer Simpson!
[runs to Homer's work station and spins around in the chair] I don't need to do my work, 'cause someone else will do it for me. D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! [slaps forehead on each "D'oh!"]

Oh, hi, Mr. Burns. I'm the worst worker in the world. Time to go home to my mansion and eat my lobster.
[walks up to some dangerous-looking wires] What's this? [reads sign] "Extremely High Voltage." Well, I don't need safety gloves, because I'm Homer Simp-- [zap]

most of you know what this is in response to. if not, then you don't work with me or talk to me on a daily basis. that little snippet from the simpsons pretty much sums up my feelings about the situation though.

on a complete side note: to the lady driving in front of me on my way home last night, if i can smell your perfume like you just sprayed it in my face even though you are in another car and we are going 70mph, perhaps it's time to use less perfume. or at the very least, go see the doctor to figure out why your body smells so bad that you need to pour a whole bottle of perfume on yourself everyday.

Saturday, July 25, 2009

it's still weird.

it's still weird when i watch nascar racing and i see people in the race that i've raced with in the past when i worked on the race team.

hey, remember when you raced at kalamazoo and berlin raceway with brad and brian keselowski? remember when you raced in Columbus and you ate dinner in the keselowski family motor home? and do you remember when brad won the sprint cup race at tallegeda this year?

you remember when you pitted next to andy ponstein for two years? do you remember when you first saw andy on tv? weird.

you remember when david stremme bought you dinner after a practice session at k-zoo? and told stories about when he was racing andy ponstein?

remember when you saw chad blount try to qualify for the daytona 500 a couple of years ago and you thought to yourself...hey, i know that guy.....

then remember when you heard brad keselowski bumped into chad blount and one of them crashed in the know.... the one you are watching on tv?....right now?

it's weird watching people you have met on a personal basis on tv.

also, i miss racing. aka working on the race team.

Friday, July 24, 2009

the first rule of playing it cool, only smile at her face

so i'm sure most of you heard about the 3 guys that escaped from michigan city prison a couple of weeks ago.

this is a quick rant about how these are the dumbest criminals ever.

they were obviously smart enough to escape from prison, and to do so in a way that days after their escape, it was still unsure exactly how the hell they got out. but apparently, their super powers and brains only work in prison.

the first guy that was caught was caught the next morning after hanging out in the driveway of the beach house of Chicago's mayor. his plan of escape: to find a nice upscale neighborhood with really jumpy people and probably some sort of old lady neighborhood watch, find the most high profile house there, then loiter in the driveway in what i can only assume would still be his prison clothes. really anything short of nice dress pants and a a polo shirt will get you noticed.

sadly, he's not the dumbest of the three.

the second was caught sleeping on his moms couch.....i almost have nothing to say about this. going to your parents house after an escape is almost as genius as saying "the last place they'll think of to look for me is back in my prison cell...mwhahahaah."
this guys needs to watch more movies about this subject. they always have places you are familiar with under a watchful eye.
study materials for this guy: the movie u.s. marshals, the shawshank redemption. items not to study: the cat came back.

the final guy lasted the longest. he did something that kept him under the radar for 11 days. what was that you ask? yes. he went back to the scene of the crime. essentially. he murdered a guy on the NW side of indy a few years ago. they caught him in a hotel on the NW side of indy.

why did none of these guys leave the country? or shit, even indiana. ok. so if you're an escaped fugitive, you probably have no id, and no passport. it would be hard to catch a flight or cross borders. but it's a slow process. you can try to get a fake id and fly away. or you can sneak into canada or mexico. the texas redneck civilian border patrol is only looking to "keep them damn mexicans out". i'm sure they wouldn't blink an eye at a white, redneck looking guy crossing the river INTO mexio. from there, you head south. don't speak Spanish or Portuguese? that's fine. sneak into canada, head to alaska, and take the palin bridge to nowhere over to russia.

Monday, July 13, 2009

the good news is, i bought you a new puppy. the bad news is, it's a dead puppy.

that's essentially the theme of my day today. beware: some nerdy shit follows.

today i conquered google. after several years of our company site not showing up on the first page of an organic google search, or in the search results at all, i found today that we are on the first page of an organic search. ding. next stop, cloud 9. i have spent months researching SEO and rebuilding the website and implementing all sorts of shit that should help with searches. until today, the results were pretty much unchanged. until today. so that's good. it made me happy. then i checked the analytics on the site to find that something went wrong and the site is no longer being tracked in analytics. somehow all of my trackers were deleted from the website files. and since i don't recall opening 70ish webpages and deleting a chunk of code, you will see that i have now descended back to around cloud 2. but it's a fairly easy fix, so let's bump it back up to cloud 5. one of my friends at work is getting divorced. cloud 1. then i get called into a meeting with my entire department and the prez. my favorite employee / boss got a new job and is leaving in two weeks. cloud -4.

so what started off as a pretty decent day, and for the most part still is, is spiraling into an emotional roller coaster.

prepare for seriously gay content: this employee / boss that is leaving is most of the reason i like my job. pretty much no matter what horrible shit i could be facing at work or no matter how much i don't want to be there, there's always the thought in my head: "it could be worse, brian could not be there." and now that's true.

easily the best boss i've ever had. he's tremendous at reading his employees and tayloring his management style to them. with him here, i know where i stand in my job. i know he has my back pretty much for anything. i know i always have someone in my corner for my fight. now...who knows. it could work out nicely for me. i could get some promotion. or i could get a shit-tastic new boss that makes me hate my life and my work. only time will tell. all i know is that two weeks from now i will be starting work at this company i have worked for for two years as a new employee. the job i currently know and enjoy is over. positive thinking says the job won't change much or could even change for the better. but there's a good chance it will be the opposite. fun fucked up fact that i just looked up, his last day is july 24th, which is exactly 2 years to the day from the day he emailed me with my job offer. good times. side note, if "the tank" becomes my boss, i'll kill going to work and letting him be my boss. because it would kill me.

Community, Identity, Stability.

Thursday, July 2, 2009

just sit back and relax, accumulate what falls into your lap

i'm having one of those days where i feel like i'm the only responsible person in the world. granted this is obviously not true, but it's just what i feel like because of all of the people around me who suck.

this morning i was driving to work and there was a smoker in front of me. i don't understand the obsession with smokers and thinking the rest of the world is their ash tray. you know what's actually your ash tray? that's right.....your ash tray. there are two types of smokers that are worse than the ones that just flick their filters out onto the ground. one type i was behind this morning. it's the smoker that doesn't just flick the filter out his car window, but makes a point to flick it way way out of the window in an attempt to keep it from flying back into his back window or such. and what is the result of that when there are other motorists? well, it flew back past his car, landed on my hood, rolled up my hood and fell into my car where the windshield wipers are. so when i got to work, i got to spend some time of my life looking for the cigarette butt and i got the joy of being able to pick up some fuckers road to lung cancer and carry it to the garbage.

Summary of that type of person: i don't give a fuck about you or the world. flicking out the window = fuck everyone

the only type of person that is worse is the person that actually does use the ash tray, but then stops at a stoplight or a parking lot and just pours the contents of the ash tray onto the ground.

dear smokers. enjoy your lung cancer and early death. that's karma fucking with you for years of littering.

i'm quickly getting tired of the "me first" or "i'll just have someone else do it for me" mentality of the U.S. People don't hate us because they're dicks, they hate us because WE'RE dicks.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

which came first

the chicken or the egg.

so i've seen commercials from multiple paint companies that now offer primer and paint mixed in 1 can. knowing what the purpose of primer is, i either declare this a scam, or scamola. or possibly...i don't what primer does.

what i think primer does: primer goes on before the paint to:
A: cover blemishes such as dark spots
B: create a pure white base coat to ensure the color being applied is the true color and not bleed out.
C: to cover stains. similiar to A.

so my theory on the primer mixed with the paint. that means you put them both on at the exact same time and either the primer knows to go to the back and the paint knows to go to the front (in which case, they're some sort of robot and will take over the earth) or's all a crock of shit to make people think they don't need to primer. think Garnier Fructis. yeah. shampoo + conditioner = rough, unmanagable hair. and my hair is only 1/2 tall and i'm going bald. i declare two things:
1. you don't always need primer. if you have a whiteish wall to start or a solid color wall that isn't too dark and is free of dark marks, you don't need primer unless you are an art major and really know your colors.
2. if you do need a primer (previous owners let their kids draw on the walls because they were forclosed on and no longer cared about the house, or were too retarded to tighten their washing machine hoses all the way and the water ran down the wall staining it), you will want to put an actual primer on to ensure the bad shit is covered.

if you have discovered that indeed the primer/paint mix does the job properly and have proof for me. by all means, show me. i love learning.....learning that you are a liar.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

ready. set. pictures!

the germany pictures are finally done.

there are alot of them as usual. enjoy. or don't. doesn't matter to me.

Monday, June 1, 2009

the amazing jason

guess what i'm not.

a mind reader. guess what i'm also not....

3 people.

so why doesn't everyone just calm the fuck down and take a nap under the patience tree. i'll get to your shit when i get to it. also, sorry if you fucked up something because you were unwilling to communicate with me. maybe you should have answered one of my multiple requests i sent to prevent this very issue.

lesson learned? probably not.

Friday, May 29, 2009

the only thing we have to fear is.....

not fear itself, not the Chinese, not N. Korea, not even the Russians. we need to fear the British. That's right. the greatest threat to the american way of life is the british and their secret technology. THEY HAVE HOVER LAWNMOWERS PEOPLE!

ways to defeat america's enemies:
Russia: destroy all vodka supplies.
China: pretend to have the swine flu (they won't come anywhere near you)
N. Korea: ignore them. they just want attention.
Canada: Nukes.
Texas: gay marriage
Whales on the moon: harpoons
England: they can't be stopped. HOVER MOWERS!

any country that has that kind of technology and uses it on something like a lawn mower is basically saying: you have no idea what we're capable of. we can mow our lawns without touching them. who's to say we can't vaporize you just by thinking it.

god help us if antartica gets ahold of this technology. laser guided hover penguins. you know, like from my nightmares.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

hi, my name is jason

i collect recycling at work. i take cardboard, paper, batteries, and cds. i have a box that's labeled paper only. i have a stack of broken down cardboard boxes. i even have a note pinned to my cube that says "please break down boxes before you leave them".

yet i just spent 3 min pulling cardboard out of my paper box and breaking down boxes that were left in my cube. i've come to the conclusion that you are all fucking retarded or illiterate AND retarded. paper is the thin white shit you write on and printers spit out and books are made of. card board is that thicker shit that is usually in the shape of a 3-d cube or rectangle and has stuff inside it. examples of things that come in cardboard boxes: computers, coke/diet coke, food such as frozen lunches or cereal. the only thing you manage to get correct is where the batteries go and where the cds go. and even the cd box has chunks of cardboard in it. why? because you don't follow the before mentioned rules and you also like to just throw the shit in my cube like i actually work out of a dumpster and not a cube in cube town like the rest of you.

the best part is some of the people this blog is about, read this blog. just asking for a little help. if you miss your garbage can at home, do you just call it close enough and let it hang out on the floor for a few weeks?

i've got to stop blogging and get back to work. but i have so much more motivation to sit here and type than i do to fix problems on the website that i either don't have the ablity to fix because i didn't write Windows, or that i just don't want to fix because i don't want to be at work.

it's 10am, but it feels like 4pm

well, i'm back from germany. back to the good ol USA. back to work, and back to the U.S. highway system.

think anyone would notice if i moved to europe permanently? i've come to the conclusion that american drivers might be some of the worst drivers in the world. but i'm not going to rant about that. at least not in this blog post.

17 hours of travel yesterday and we made it home. went to bed around midnight (6am germany time) and woke up around 4am (10am germany time) and wasn't sure i was going to be able to go back to sleep. right now i'm at the fun point were i'm not on germany time anymore, but i'm also not on EST time. i would say i'm right smack dab in the center of the antlantic ocean time. maybe iceland time? it's 10am (4pm germany time) but it feels like it's the middle of the night. i am tired. my contacts are screaming at me like they do in the middle of the night. they are also screaming because it turns out they're not ready to spend all day looking at computer screens again. neither am i.

scheduled breakfast time, scheduled lunch time, scheduled driving time, and no bike paths in site. yup. i'm back in the u.s. of a.

the website goes live thursday at 5pm. better start answering my week old emails. better start the final rubdown of the site. i wish caffeine had an eye opening effect on me. i could use it right now. maybe gummiebaren will help.

the other thing that sucks about the u.s., not being able to drink beer everywhere i am. walking downtown, drink a beer. at the bus station, drink a beer, standing in line at the store, drink a beer. i miss you already beer everywhere.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

new invention

you know those little kids shoes that have the little lights in them that flash when the kid walks?

same idea only instead of lights, there are little flame throwers. also the shoes are for adults. or really cool children.


Wednesday, May 6, 2009

These bloody things are everywhere. They're in the lift, in the lorry, in the bond wizard, and all over the malonga gilderchuck.

writing emails to austrailia is hard. especially when you have to name specific times. they're sleeping when i write the email, so even though we got their error today, i have to write the email as "yesterday". and then there's the constantly ending every paragraph or statement with "mate".

if it wasn't for my trusty translator, they would have no idea what i was saying to them.

so this morning, the plate in my leg is hurting like hell, to the point i'm limping a little. so i sat and thought to myself, why. why is today different than yesterday. then i looked outside and saw it was going to rain. that's when i realized that it's actually awesome that my leg hurts. i don't know if it's true that crazy norm's knee acts up when rains a comin, or there's going to be a blizzard because wilfred's sciatica is all a fluster again. all i know is my leg is a genius and i can predict the weather.

what's the point of having a 14in metal plate in your leg if it's not going to predict the weather for you.

i can't wait until i'm 90 and sitting on the porch. i'll be so tuned into my leg that there will be no need for the weather channel. the locals will call me "ol weathervane" and heather will be the crazy cat lady. i'll be so in tune with my leg i can make predictions such as "another lava storms a coming. best be gittin into your lava bunkers" or "robot wars a coming" (come on, like that many angry robots wouldn't change the weather in some way). plus, when i'm 90., i just assume that global warming will have consumed most of the earth and lava storms will be common. it's ok though, because we'll just get into our hover cars and fly up to our house which is on poles so tall that they are above the clouds. the clouds which are made of sulfur.

come on. don't let me know bleak distant future. i could be known as "ol weathervane".

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

"yeah, i'm kind of an expert"

everyone is very happy that you are really good at making hoagie sandwiches for your retard kids you complain about. just do us a favor and converse about it at a lower voice level. i don't want to have my music up so loud my headphones make my ears bleed, but i will if it will drown out the endless droning of the hoagie creation process.

oh, now we're on to homemade mac n cheese. don't you people have credit cards to process?

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Extra! Extra! Indianapolis is a boring place to live!

2 years ago they rebuilt I-70 through indianapolis. in doing so, they made the ramp leading to 465 fairly sharp. now about 7 times a year, a semi takes the exit too fast and flips over. it's why i never drive side by side with a semi on that exit. it's common, no one ever gets hurt, and it's not news.

this morning on my drive to work, i get on i-70 and see the fox news helicopter circling just ahead of me. my thoughts went from "shit, what happened on 70 and how late for work am i going to be" to "oh, it's just another flipped semi".

on the scene:
1 - Fox news copter 59. bringing you a birds eye view of crappy news
1 - Fox 59 action news van.
3 - Fox 59 action camera men

3 cameras on the ground and 1 in the air all to cover a semi that fell over and got a boo boo. the best part is their news story. it's the top story on their site currently.
Top Story! Overturned semi closes ramp to i-70 from i-465. Many will be 5 min late for work! more at 11!.

so i repeat, 3 camera men, and a HELICOPTER!. and the picture they use for their news story is the picture from the traffic camera that is 1/2 a mile away and of poor quality.

also, for being a top story, you would think they would have more than 2 small, non descriptive paragraphs.

i have added a picture of the story as well just in case the story is either removed, or the "most popular photo galleries" section is different from when i wrote this. why?

because currently the only other news besides the semi that couldn't are a fail blog and mugshots.

Tonight on Fox news, a dog gets hit in the face with a tennis ball. the owner laughed for hours. stay tuned for our unwavering coverage of fail dog.

also, maybe they should rename their mugshot gallery "Fox 59 Mugshots in the News"
to me, that means that the mugshots are of fox 59 employees that have committed crimes. which is actually more interesting than what it really is which is just mugshots they got from the cops, put on the news, then made a news article about how pictures they bought made it to the news of their own news channel.

tonight on fox news, local man writes a really long blog post about our lame news network. stick with fox news for uninterrupted coverage of the birds in the tree outside his house while we wait for him to come home.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

i have never felt more justified in my life

so most of you probably know about my feelings for purdue north central, mainly the professors there. you may know that i hang up my degree from there not because i am proud of it, but because i spent money on it so i may as well display it. for those that don't know the stories and want to, let me know and i will tell you.

most of you have probably heard my long, foaming at the mouth rants about the professors there and how bad they are and how i don't think they are fit to teach at all, let alone a college level course.

well today i found a page called rate my i just happened to look up my two "favorite" teachers from pnc to see how other people rate them and i found that my rants are in no way unique. in fact, i feel as if my rant material has been stolen from me :) all it means it that i'm not the only person that was treated the exact same way.

the following are my two favorite professors and their best ratings:
Mick Lantis: (fancy pants)

This professor is of poor quality at best, He stumbles through the material presented and only reads the power points the publishers of the book created. He also boots his low self-esteem by talking down to most all of his students, some know more than he does in the class as it is. He also reeks of "I Didn't see myself doing this in 20 years".
Professor completely incompetent. Doesn't know the first thing about anything. The class is suposed to be web design. He teaches it as a web programming class, where you learn absolutely no design skills whatsoever. Tests have incorrect questions, answers and misspellings. I have a hard time believing this guy even knows how to wipe his own butt.
Cant teach and stumbles through the book, needs to really learn his material and be able to provide more real life experiances
He has no idea how to teach a college level course effectively. His lecture consist of him reading some powerpoint slides created by the book publisher, and stumbling through examples with the guidance of the "nerds" in the class. The tests are impossible, and he randomly accuses people of cheating.
Cant teach at all, does not know the material reads powerpoint slides and uses the code the book provides. Does not even understand a question if you are to ask him
Uses Frontpage often in a web design class. That in and of itself is terrible. The books have outdated and (now) inaccurate info; his knowledge of the subjects at hand did not often go beyond what was in the book. Misspellings common on tests. Not a very good teacher overall. Avoid his classes.
Professor has appaling overall teaching style. His students in some cases know more about presented coursework. His tests are absolutely terrible. There are in correct answers on tests he will not modify grade to reflect corrected answers.

Judy Serwatka:
This was a networking class and she knew next to nothing about the subject. Whenever a student asked a question, she would invariably respond with "I don't know." I work in I.T. and have experience in networking environments, and can say that she is not fit to teach college level computer courses.
The fact that this is a "Programming for the Internet" course and that we use Frontpage is contradictory. Also, the webpage she hypes so much that she owns and maintains proves that she should not teach web programming. Link:

it's good to see that my little encounter with Lantis didn't change him at all and he still accuses people of cheating.

i'm also very disappointed that Serwatka's webpage is no longer up and running. but i guess that is good because it saves you from soaking up the blood coming from your eyes.

on a side note, i looked up most of my Purdue main campus professors and they had the ratings i was expecting there as well. example: He's hard as hell and makes you work your ass off, but he really knows his stuff and you learn more than you were expecting. great class.

oh pnc, you're like an experiment in how NOT to do things.

Monday, April 13, 2009


Nascar is pretty obvious in it's attempts to be the most commercial entity ever, anywhere. the cars are rolling billboards and the drivers are walking billboards. you literally can't do anything Nascar related without some sort of sponsor or ad. Nascar is quickly selling themselves into oblivion. I am a pretty dedicated Nascar fan, but over the last few years, they have become so commercial, that i don't particulary care to watch most of the races. they are boring.

how can someone that loves racing think a race is boring? well i dvr all of races i want to watch and watch them later without the commercials. this literally makes a 4 hour race go 1.5 hours. 2.5 hours of a tv broadcast of a race is a commercial. that would basically be like having to watch the daily show, but only seeing 6 min of the show while the rest was commercials. they also have 3 hours of prerace show (not a joke) and the sport has become so dependant on looking good for the advertisers that they are not allowed to use any type of fowl language, they are not allowed to bump each other on the track and if they race each other too hard, they can be penalized. seriously. if they get too into the race, they can be pull off the track or fined thousands of dollars for doing the very thing that made the sport what it is. they took a working, sucessful formula for entertaining racing that millions of people liked, then they sold the shit out of it and turned it into a feel good fest.

but i stray from my original reason for this blog. today i went to the nascar pageto watch highlights of one of the races that was this weekend. there was a 30 second clip of part of the race i wanted to see. in order to keep their 30 second clips free for viewing, they added commericals before the clip. fine. lots of people do that. but today, in order to watch my 30 second clip, they made me watch 1min and 10 sec worth of commercials. there is just something utterly wrong with that. but i guess if you apply the 2.5 hours for 4 hour race equation above, it makes sense. the other shit burger they served up was after i watched the 1:10 worth of commercials to watch the 30sec clip, instead of the clip, i got a timeout error with a spelling error in it. your commercials were so long, that the video itself timedout and your webmaster can't use spellcheck.

i would be an indycar fan, but they sold all their tv rights to a station i don't get. looks like if i want to be a race fan, i'm going to have to break out my little die cast cars and play racecars with heather. vroom vroom! and Tabitha wins the meow mix 400!!

Monday, April 6, 2009

wal-mart math

according to a wal-mart commercial i just saw,

if all 200 million of their customers bought a bissel little green clean machine made of 50% recycled material, it would be like recycling 2 million bags of garbage. in that same logic, that means that you are also creating 2 more million bags of garbage for the 50% that isn't made with recycled materials. not to mention all the other god awful, wasteful things wal-mart does that destroys the environment (building buildings, then building a new one 2 miles away and abandoning the old one and refusing to sell it, etc...). but the good news is they bring up the economy by running companies out of business that won't deal with them and destroying the companies that will deal with them by forcing them to sell to wal-mart at prices below what it takes to operate their business.

i'm done.

p.s.- blogspot thinks i spelled commercial wrong. here are the options it gave me to fix it (notice non of the options are the correct word):

i can't make that shit up folks.

windows vista weather

on my dashboard on my vista computer, i have the little weather tool. right now it's showing grey with snow and the temp.

I think a good enhancement request for vista would be to have different pictures for the weather at different times. for example in december, i think the current snowy grey icon is just fine. but in april, snow is a little less acceptable. therefore i have created the appropriate icon for when it snows in april.

Friday, March 27, 2009

I knew you'd escape. They haven't built a circuit that could hold you!

is it a game? or real life?

Thursday, March 26, 2009

jason behenna....This is your life!!

i have this hanging in my cube along with other things that keep me sane.

it's everyday of my life. today is defiantly no exception.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

how to tell the economy is bad: phase 1

i just saw a commercial for natty light (natural light beer for those that don't know).

why is this a barometer for the economy being in the drink? because college kids drink natty light like it's the antidote. when they have to start advertising for it, it means even college kids aren't drinking it. what are they drinking instead you say? i would say the water coming from gutters and or compost heaps. here for known as leaf beer.

mmm. leaf beer.

buy low sell high

people shouting all around you. hands flying in the air. the smell of chaos heavy in the room. everyone trying to be heard, trying to get their way, and trying to be at the top of the list. they want their request honored in their way, and they want it now.

this is me at work.

this would be fine if i was a stock broker. turns out i'm just a web designer.

looking at my inbox filled with little red flags. each little red flag is a cry for attention. please! pick me! i promise i'm not contradicting one of the other little flags. but even if that were true little flag, you're still crying for my attention.
this is what my inbox looks like to me.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

why are there little post it notes everywhere!?

the answer is, because i'm a least me from 2 years ago is.

i am currently converting our existing site at work over to the new format i developed. every once in a while, i come across a little text file that has no reason to be there. every time i open it, i want to go back 2 years and hug myself.

every time i ran into an issue when i was taking over the site, i wrote myself a note so i wouldn't have to deal with it again.

i apparently also insult future me at times in my notes for various reasons. man, past me is kind of a dick. i hope present me isn't that big of a dick to future me.

i wish it worked the other way as well.
Dear past me,
sell all of your AIG stock right now and don't eat that string cheese you found under your desk covered in dust.
yours truly,
present me...or is it future me...

Saturday, March 14, 2009

happy st. macgyver's day

come on. the man needs to be a saint.

St. MacGyver's day events:

8:35am - eat cereal
9:30 - head to jon's for day of fun in the sun (aka, tearing up old wood flooring)
6 pm - done tearing up flooring. flashbacks of pulling nails out of subflooring dancing through my head.
6:30 - get home, find a birthday card for the person that used to live in the house in the mail. tired of getting all of her mail. (examples: bills, magazine subs, supeonas, letters from her kids school, insurance renewals, letter from the army telling her her discharge came through, ads, personal letters..and so on). most of the important shit we put return to sender on and send back. the thing is, apparently no one knows where she lives now since she appears to be dodging crediters (i would like to thank her for spending all of her money upgrading the kitchen and not paying her mortgage bills). so sending the letters back seems futile. today i decided that she owed me for being her person al mail sorter. i was hoping like hell that there was cash in her bday card. there was not. just a happy birthday. good to see your friends and family know your new address.

6:45 - showered off the 90 years of dirt i was covered in from flooring. 3rd best shower ever.

7:00 - laid down on the couch. felt pain in every ouce of my body. my fingernails hurt. why?

8:30 - finally decided to move to warm up food.

9:00 - laid back down on the couch......and here i am. too tired to move, but not sleepy enough to go to bed.

things i've learned while laying here all night: dvd players only hold one movie...and when it's're screwed unless you change it yourself. technology failure. tv on saturdays is also terrible. i can choose between crap, crap, hd crap, and crap.

i will end this very boring blog with another quick letter to science: my house still isn't cleaning itself. i am going to stop sending you checks unless i start to see results.

Friday, March 13, 2009

a weekend alone

.and i don't like it

this is the first weekend i've had alone since october. it's actually the longest i've been alone since heather moved in in october. now there are advantages. i can play all the madden i want and no one will complain. i can eat like shit, and no one will complain. i can watch mission impossible 3 on tnt and no one wil......wait.....if i was going to watch this movie, it sure as hell wouldn't be with commercials.

bottom line is, though i can do whatever i want, i'm bored without her. sad huh? you try going 2 years with having to watch her drive away from you. then 6 months after you see each other every single day and you have to watch her drive away,......suck.

i know. i could have gone with her this weekend. but really? i would have only seen her for a short amount of time because she has events to attend and i wold be left bored. this was the better decision. doesn't mean it doesn't suck a little.

side note: i racked (siphoned) my ipa from the primary fermenter to the secondary fermenter tonight. tomorrow, i help jon pull and level his floors. sunday....i clean.

side side note: tonight on my way home from work, i was behind a car that had a school sticker in it's back window. the school was Rose Hulman. why do you care? because most of the time the sticker would just be a rose hulman sticker or a rose hulman alumni sticker.....oh no my friends. this sticker had Rose Hulman on top, and underneath: Former Student. as hard as i tried, i could not find the sticker online. just imagine the rose hulman logo, but instead of alumni, it said former student. maybe i'm reading this completely wrong. maybe the guy is really excited that he was once accepted to rose hulman. but really, when i took a year off of purdue, Purdue University: Former student was not the sticker i was looking for. it's like saying: hey, i was once good enough to get into this school, but i couldn't graduate."

i guess it makes sense that the sticker was on an 87 volkswagon jetta.

Monday, March 9, 2009

I have terrific children!!

people that have children feel the need to flaunt how successful their children are. as if having good children ensures their place in the parenting hall of fame.

most parents tend to advertise their parenting skills using the sticker on the bumper of their car medium. Everyone knows the tried and true: "my kid is an honor student at douchebag elementary", or "proud parent of a douchbag middle school honor student", or even the angry proud parent "my child beat up your honor student". the last one of course telling the world that though i may not be as good of a parent as you, i do carry a collapsible baton.

Today on my drive to work, i was behind the ugliest car since the pontiac aztec, the mazda 5 and their bumper sticker said "I have terrific children!!" the bumper sticker was also bright orange.

I have decided to go into the quality children advertising business. I will create bumper stickers that parents will be required to apply to their cars. the stickers will follow the homeland security advisory system.

parents with good students will receive green bumper stickers. they will have a range of phrases such as "you kid ain't got shit on my kid" or "my child is so good, i vomit out of pride everyday"

blue stickers will be issued with phrases such as "proud parent of a future manager of the men's warehouse" or "my child is above average!"

yellow stickers will include phrases such as "my child is blah" or "my child can read AND write"

orange sticker will include phrases such as "my child will likely stab your child" or "proud parent of a future denny's server"

and red stickers will include phrases such as "proud parent of a serial killer" or "if you can read this, then my child has probably stolen my car, taken it across the border and is doing lines off the stomach of a homeless hooker"

i have also found a vaccination to the daylight savings time change. the time always changes on sunday. so on saturday, get crazy drunk. then on sunday you will be really hung over all day and spend 90% of your day sleeping. by the time monday rolls around, you have no idea what time it is and therefore are unaffected by the time change.

*side effects may include headache, sour stomach, spinning room, lowered ability to handle light and noise, loss of appetite, inability to get remote when tv starts to suck.

** some side effects, though rare also include anal leakage, delusions of grandeur, growth of a tail, and elephantitus.

*** do not take Massive Hangover with out first consulting your local grocer for cans of cream of potato soup.

Monday, February 23, 2009

dear science

please invent a pill that makes the day about 10 hours longer without adding any more days to the year. with that pill, i also want it to make me motivated to do all of the things i want to do in a day but don't have the time for.

....dear science....i think i just asked you to invent speed.

i need more time and motivation in the day. i spend all day at work doing worky type things. then i get home and i want to ride my bike, i want to work on my portfolio (though it reminds me alot of being at work) and i have to do things like clean the house and give attention to the cats and go to the store and just general crap there is to do everyday. but i also want to do stuff like make a new web comic and play video games and build small contraptions.

new plan, instead of taking speed, i will steal some of the children from the neighborhood. after a few grueling days of demotivational reprogramming, they should be ready to go. i will then make them do all of the housework and other shit i don't want to do. that will free up plenty of time for heather and me to do whatever we want...and all without the bugs under the skin and constant need for more speed.

p.s.- also, please invent the self making enchilada

p.p.s. - 2 words: rocket scooter

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

in your best mario or stereotypical italian voice

dear e-lec-a-tricity,

why you so high? mario save lots of energy. we real good at turning offa da lights and keepinga da heat low.

you a no likea us? mario thought we werea frienda. i'ma keepa my eye on you. ifa you dont'a makea nice, ima gonna have to keel you with a fireballa.

yoursa truely,


Friday, January 30, 2009

You little son of a bitch ball! Why you don't you just go home? That's your HOME! Are you too good for your home? ANSWER ME! SUCK MY WHITE ASS BALL!

so i live HD tv. but there are things i don't understand. we have an upscaling dvd player. it doesn't make dvds HD quality, but it definatly bumps them up. but then i see shit like USA network or TBS that take old old stuff and broadcast them in "HD". i put that in quotes because obviously they were created waaaay before HD was ever anywhere near mainstream.

case in point, on USA right now is Happy Gilmore. they have made it "HD". pretty much, they have upscaled it. Yet it looks 100x better than if i were to put my happy gilmore dvd into the upscaling dvd player. and no it's not just my particular dvd player. my dads upscaling dvd player is better than mine, but it's still no match for what i am seeing on tv. so i ask the tv networks....why can't we just upscale everything to "HD" quality? i mean...fuck.....i spend $92 a month on tv and i only have like 28 HD channels. why can't everything be HD if it's this easy.

tomorrow( probably today for you's 2:22am......) will be spent building our new fancy-ass elliptical machine. nordictrac 990 bitches. what's that? yes. if you must know. it did take 2...count them 2 sports cars to get it home. as heather and i have found, 2 sports cars = 1 medium truck.

sunday, am = bottling my first beer. pm = drinking not so favorable beer and watching the steelers maul the worst team ever to make it to the superbowl.

would you like fries with that?

so i think the cleaning crew for my building eats their lunch at my desk every night.

everyday when i come into work, between the Mac mouse and a box of recycling (about a 4 in area) there is always salt. everyday for the last few weeks. salt. i never eat salt so i'm about 99% sure it's not me. the recycling box is for plastic and there's never anything in the box that would contain salt.

today as i was brushing off the salt in a confused manner, i realized that it looks like salt from a box of fried. it's got salt and little yellow crispies.

so i ask the cleaning staff to please stop eating at my desk. you can't log into the computer (at least i hope not. if you can then you are in the wrong profession) so eat somewhere else. perhaps the breakroom that you also get to clean. or how about one of the many empty cubes. hell. eat anywhere else. i don't really care.

the rest of the day might be spent trying to figure out how to get my webcam on the mac to record an image every 30 seconds. it's not nanny cam. it's cleaner cam.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

calling all cars! calling all cars!. citizens not being screwed over. please respond.

car 33 here, i'm in prime position to screw over a citizen. i'll grab the call once i'm done with my prostitute.

it took me an hour and a half to drive to work today. not because the roads were messy. once you got off side streets, the roads were fine. unfortunately, winter madness still has it's grip on the citizens of Indianapolis. what this means is that there are pretty much two types of drivers. the type that are terrified about the snow (even though the roads are clear) so they drive 5 mph. and then there are the people that don't respect the fact that we just got 12 inches of snow in 1 day and drive 200 mph. these people meet on the road and then i drive an average of 9mph all the way to work because there is an accident every 2 miles.

believe it or not, this is not a rant about how bad people drive. i've accepted the fact that i share the road with what can only be called "the retarded alumni of the Indianapolis driving academy".

This is actually another rant about how much i hate indianapolis cops. i honestly think we would be better off without cops in this city. if they aren't committing crimes themselves, then they're doing nothing. they're sure as shit not doing their job. well to be fair, they do occasionally search and arrest random people walking down the street minding their own business.

today in my 9 mph adventure to work which i probably won't get a damn thing done at because this entire week is pretty much shot, i came upon a 5 car accident. the accident took up the right 2 lanes of 70W and the right shoulder. i was in the far right lane and an on duty cop was in the middle lane next to me. i know he was on duty because he was talking into his radio, clicking on his little computer, and wearing a badge and a uniform. he also wasn't in a hurry to get somewhere, otherwise he wouldn't be sitting in stop and go traffic.

so side by side, we come upon this 5 car accident that probably happened about 2 min before we got there. there was oil and debris scattered across the 2 lanes and people were standing in the road looking at their cars and wandering around the lanes.

at this point, the cop flipped on his lights to let the traffic behind him know that there was a hazard and got out to make sure everyone was ok. this was of course after he called in the accident and got crews on their way........ that's not what he did because that's his job. and cops here don't do their jobs. what he actually did was very calmly turn on his turn signal and get into the left lane, drive past them, barely giving them a glance, then continuing on with his journey like nothing happened. amazingly, he did this very same thing past two other accidents in about 5 miles.

after i finally crawled my way onto 65, right where 65 and 70 meet, there was another accident. my favorite cop had already driven past this one too. at this accident (4 car accident) there were 2 hoosier helpers and a state cop. the state cop was leaning against his car with his arms crossed watching the traffic go by. one of the hoosier helpers was calming a girl down who was visibly shaken and crying. the other one was talking with another person in the accident and what looked like pointing to the road trying to figure out how to clear the accident.

we're not even going to get into the guy that "plowed" our neighborhood. let's just say, before he plowed, i couldn't even get my car out of the driveway. after he plowed, i could drive down the road. and hey, i only got stuck once in the middle of the road. grade A job asshole.

why can't people just do their jobs?