My beard

This isn't a very interesting post. Not a lot of humor here. 99% of it is just a picture of my current beard. 1.5 weeks. BEARD. I'm living what i preach. Beards and Humor. Comedy and Facial hair. Notice the slightly reddish tone of my my skin caused by both shitty skin and the irritation of the beard. I didn't notice how red my skin was until i took these pics as i'm past the itchy beard stage. I've decided this beard will remain until I am told to remove it (so if you're reading this Heather and you want a clean shaven husband.....charge my razor and tell my to shave) otherwise it going to turn out 2 ways:

way the first: i maintain the current length  by keeping the beard sharp and trimmed to the current length.

way the latter: i grow it like the warmth of my face depends on it and i'm super curious to see what i look like with an actual (longer than 2.5 weeks (my longest beard to date)) beard.

unless word comes down from on high, the latter is my choice. if heather can tolerate the beard, i will post pictures. if she can't (which i will crumble to because i enjoy kissing her), then i will shave it faster than by razor can spin.

i leave you with a fun bit of information: at 1.5 weeks, i can take a bent paper clip and gently slide it into my beard and it will stick. that's what i do at work. i stick heavier and heavier items into my beard to find what will stick and what falls through.

awesome last names

here are a few of the awesome last names i have recently come across:

Tinkleburg
Zamboni
Armadillo

and finally....

Fukque

Washington Redskin seek revenge on fans

Today, the redskins announced that donovan mcnaab is going to be demoted to second string for this week, then third string for the rest of the season. who will their starting QB be? why rex grossman of course?  they did this because mcnaab has had a pretty bad season. seriously though, rex grossman has played in 1 game this season, in which he took 1 snap in which he got sacked, fumbled and let the defense run it back for a game winning touchdown......and the redskins just decided that he is going to be their best chance of winning.

naming grossman starter is kind of like declaring war on fans, their stadium, or anyone that could possibly enjoy redkins football or profit from it in any way.

Mike shanahan said, and i quote (by quote i mean i'm making up his quote because i assume he was too tweaked out on lsd laced crack to make actual words):

"I, Mike Shanahan, declare that i hate each and every one of you and i'm tired of seeing you in the stands every sunday. we haven't had that good of a year. donovan was supposed to be our white knight and instead has played quite poorly. though to be honest, even at his worst, she's still better than a large amount of NFL qb's. Jason campbell, Alex smith,  matt schaub,  ryan fitzpatrick, jake delhomme, derek anderson, rex grossman. i could go on for a while because the league is full of terrible quarterbacks right now. but i can't continue because i have an announcement to make. Rex Grossman will be our starting quarterback from now on. why am i making him a starter after having just listed him in the list of people worse than mcnaab?....because i hate each and every one of you. i've made some bad decisions this year and my players on a whole aren't very good. but it would be rude of me to blame the entire team. blaming the offensive line for the quarterback being sacked a lot is a dickish move. blaming the quarterback with 100% of the blame is the insane thing to do, which is why i'm doing it. really, this is a public service. naming rex grossman starting qb accomplishes several things:

1. think of all the food and wrappers and such that won't go to waste now that no one will be in the stands.
2. with grossman under center, very little light will be needed since it's pretty much a guarantee he'll just get sacked, so we can keep the lights down in the stadium.
3. and finally, and this is the important one people so please PLEASE pay attention. it will prove to you once and for all that rex grossman is just god fucking awful. i mean couldn't legitimately be the starting qb for a team of toddlers bad. this is to show all of the other teams in the league that they need to stop hiring this guy. the guy isn't fit to pick up towels in the locker room let alone play football. i am very excited to have him as our starting quarterback.

next week, i plan on benching all of my wide receivers and replacing them with badgers on crutches with chronic anal leakage."

seriously though folks. naming grossman the starting qb is one of the dumbest things i've ever heard though it could prove to be some very entertaining football.

values: pass it on

you've all seen the billboards. the motivational billboards on the highway. sometimes you see one while you're working through a traffic jam and you think, thanks billboard, for making me feel like i'm useless before i even get to work. then sometimes you see one and you think "wow, what a terrible role model. [insert person] treated the world like garbage and people adore them for it. my life is even more meaningless"  or "wow, [insert person] became a role model by being very stupid....."

here are several examples:
Babe Ruth: babe ruth was a womanizing drunk that was good at hitting things. he should not be a role model.
hey kids, if you drink a lot and treat women like shit, you'll be a millionaire and everyone will love you.

Shrek: he's a cartoon. he befriends a donkey and travels to break up a wedding. he lives in a swamp.

Thomas Edison: the man employed goons and stole many of his ideas. he treated people like they were retarded. he killed an elephant on purpose because someone (tesla) invented something better than his invention. many of his inventions happened on accident and many of the others were just stolen.


Bethany Hamilton: (who?....exactly). she's the girl that got her arm eaten by a shark and was too stupid to stop surfing. we're supposed to see this as motivational because she was too brave to quit. i agree with a certain level of "you've got to get back on the horse" but there comes a point (losing an entire arm) when basic survival instinct should kick in an tell you to do something else for a while. speaking of "get back on the horse"..

Christopher Reeve: let's be honest, the man did what anyone in his situation would have done. he fell off a horse, became paralyzed, then spent the rest of his life trying to find a cure for not being able to move or breathe on his own. sure, there are people out there that would spend the rest of their life doing nothing except wishing they weren't crippled, but does having enough money to be able to buy fetuses for testing make you a role model?

and finally Abe Lincoln: i'm not saying that Honest Abe isn't a role model. what i'm saying is, the billboard is about persistence. "failed, failed, failed, and then...."  i completely read the billboard as "and then.....got shot in the brain." kids, if you try and fail, keep trying. eventually you will impose your will and someone that disagrees will launch lead through your temporal lobe.

Two of every font

It's 3:30 am, i'm looking for fonts for the Indy Give Camp project I am working on and I stumbled across what might be the coolest font ever......

Why is this font so fucking awesome? because you can type and an arc appears? no. because you can type and noah appears? no. it's so fucking awesome because it includes not one, not two, but 3 different types of rain. perfect for typing out a civilization killing flood. but don't fret, when you get tired of doing god's work, just type a sun and a rainbow and low and behold, jesus is lord.


side note: part of me wants to buy a mini van just so i can get that entire lineup turned into those little family stickers people put on their shitty child haulers. who's my family? Noah, some friends, a bunch of bad ass animals, and the fucking biblical rains!

How Netflix makes me a better person

so there is a running joke at work. when i'm all pissed off and doing nothing but complaining (which is 95% of the time) my co-workers say "jason, tell me about netflix". They say this because apparently the only thing i have ever told them that wasn't a form of bitching and moaning was when i was talking about netflix. for them, netflix is the only thing that makes me happy. is this true? no. heather makes me happy. cars (that i don't own or have to fix or drive behind) make me happy. Is netflix better than those other things? no. but it's close. Netflix gives me hope for the world. netflix takes me from "burn the whole fucking thing down!" to "so it goes (vonnegut, one of 3 authors that can write books i'll actually read).

netflix will send out surveys to my email. i hate surveys. i hate implementing them, i hate taking them, i hate telling them to fuck off. I make it a point to participate in every single fucking survey netflix has ever sent me. we're going on 4 years now and i haven't skipped a single one. they have questions such as "when did weekend at bernies 9 arrive?" or "How was the watch instantly quality of short circuit 2". Yeah, i watch shit movies. that's the other great thing. Netflix doesn't judge me like you are...right now...i can feel it.

sometimes they fuck up. they had intended on sending me a movie, but their warehouse fucked up and didn't send it. Company A would say, "fuck'em. $13 a month. bitches can wait for their season 3 of Small Wonder dvd". How does netflix handle it? "We're sorry we screwed the pooch big time. not only are we sending you Small Wonder S3D2, but we're also including your next disc, "Mr. Belvedere S1D1"

Netflix, you've saved me from missing my mid 80s to mid 90s feel good comedies. And for that, i thank you. I might even sacrifice a puppy for you.

but wait! there's more!!

they ask me how quickly movies got to me, they ask me how good the quality was when i watch it online, the send me my next disc when they fuck up and send me a disc from my queue later than expected (usually about 24 whole hours late)....and tonight, i got the ultimate "Netflix Karma" email. and it goes as so:

"We're sorry you may have had trouble watching instantly. Yesterday, you may have had trouble instantly watching TV episodes or movies due to technical issues. We are sorry for the inconvenience this may have caused. If you attempted and were unable to instantly watch TV episodes or movies yesterday, click on this account specific link in the next 7 days to apply a 2% credit to your account."

blah blah more apology.

I want to start this segment of the blog post with the fact that i had no issues watching netflix watch instantly on the day in question. yet even though they have no way of knowing if i was even remotely inconvenienced, which most companies would say "stick a lead pipe up your ass", netflix apologized and gave me an honor system discount. the key words in the email are "If you attempted and were unable to". I attempted and WAS able to. so technically i don't qualify for the 2% discount. and i'll be honest, my reaction to the email was "awww man, i was able to watch instantly just fine"

so now the question is, who is too nice, netflix for offering a 2% discount to everyone regardless of an actual issue with their service, or me, the guy who honestly, full on questioned if he should click the link to get a 2% discount he doesn't deserve.

the answer is netflix. they're a big company creeping up on monopoly status. i'm a guy who makes not enough money a year. i'll take your 2% discount.....but i feel awful. honestly.


****edit- their company PTO (personal time off) policy is "do you need the time off? take it" meaning, they have no set amount of time off. their employees are on the PTO honor system. want a vacation? take it. sick? take a day off. we're cool with it so long as you're honest. amazing. world. you have a LOT to learn. sadly, i'm sure their employees are special as 95% of the world would fuck that system into an anally stretched, herpes ridden system that fails miserably because people are inherently dirt bags.

it's about video games

i finished 9-7. it's the first time i've ever played madden and haven't made the post season. i usually play the superbowl and this season i didn't make the post season. man i hate my team and my realistic sliders....