My mom: Secret mad scientist

So on my drive home from work, i realized that my mom (and many of yours) are secretly mad scientists. I also realized they all have extremely morbid thoughts running through their head all the time. The next time you talk to your mom, just remember that she's probably thinking about a decapitated, raped, and burned child and how it can be used to make you safe.

What do I mean? well, my mom is one of those moms that asks you to give her a call and let you know you  got home safe after i leave her house or do major traveling.

Which if you think about it means that from the moment i leave her, until the moment i get home and call her to let her know, she has constant visions of me being horribly crushed or maybe crushed and raped, then pushed off a really tall cliff. don't judge me, these are my mom's thoughts, not mine.

How does constantly thinking about my mangled corpse make her a mad scientist?  Schrodinger's Cat

It's pretty much the exact same idea, only instead of my mom killing a cat, my mom is killing me.

For her, from the moment i leave, she assumes i have died until i call and verify otherwise. But there is still that assumption that i might just still be in transit and still alive. So for the duration of my traveling, my mom has to assume that i am both alive and dead at the same time.

i was not aware until last night that the lady that pronounces puerto rico as port-io rice-o was so scientific and demented.

If i find a vial of poison and a hammer rigged up in my car the next time i get in it, i'll know my mom has extended her scientific research.

Gettin Classy

The honey bear army has taken a turn for the classy. Please welcome (far right) half of the american gothic painting bear.

Obviously, the next honey bear will be the female counterpart of the american gothic painting.

holy shit! is that legendary iowa hawkeyes QB chuck long in the background?

Fare thee well beard

I was told it was time for my grizzly adams beard to go. here are a before, during, and after pics of the big shave.

Discoveries

It's been awhile since I've been here. I apologize. I come to you with some discoveries.

The first discovery is Andre the giant's mummified testicles. Now I don't have a certificate of authentication or a picture of me extracting them from his grave to prove to you that's what they are, but I ask of you: "what else could it be?"


It came in what was supposed to be a box of aunt millies english muffins. Which raises some questions such as: "why are aunt millies bakers grave robbing scrotums?" and "After all that hard work, why aren't they keeping them?"

Second, in one of the fanciest casinos i was at in vegas this weekend, I came across this sign outside the mens bathroom:


Shoe shine = nice
men's restroom = nice
Naming a wing of the men's restroom the Deuce Lounge = AWESOME.

donde esta el deuce lounge?

Failed Halloween Costumes

I've come up with some halloween costumes for my nephew that i think will be immediately dismissed as possible costumes. I have taken the time to provide you, my fair readers, with visual examples.

  Jackson of the corn

  Jackson as Roger Penske

    Samuel L Jackson

there is such as thing as a dumb question

today at work, i went into a meeting. I was not at my desk. One of my co-workers walked past my desk to see this:

 

Now this picture is exactly what my desk looked like when he came to see me, except my laptop (right in front of my  black keyboard) was not there. it was with me in my meeting.

The co-worker sent me an IM that said: "Did you move desks?"

......ok. So he saw all of my shit at my desk, including a tea pot and a glass of water and my hoodie and all kinds of other shit and thought that i had packed up and moved to another cube. I was so dumbfounded that it took me a full 15 seconds to conjure up a response. it was "no...i'm in a meeting"

i'm pretty sure if i put a towel over this guy's head, he would think he was invisible.

It's been a while

August and september were very busy months for me. But i'm back. i'll blog when i have shit to blog about.

For now, you can enjoy the newest member of my honey bea army:  Hipster Honeybear

Left to right: Senor Honeybear, Bedouin Honeybear, Hipster Honeybear.

and as always, Iowa Hawkeyes legendary QB Chuck Long hanging out in the background.