Thursday, August 27, 2009

you're doooooomed..you're all doooooooommed


That's the front page of the indystar news paper today. in giant 72pt text. at least their not fear mongering at all.
OH MY GOD! I HAVE THE PORK FLU...AND YOU HAVE THE PORK FLU...AND THIS KEYBOARD HAS THE PORK FLU...AND THAT HOMELESS GUY HAS IT....AND THE AIR...AND THE FRIDGE...AND THE BABIES!! THEY ALL HAVE THE PORK FLU!!! I WOULD SHOOT MYSELF...BUT THE GUNS HAVE PORK FLU!!!! AAAHHAAHAHHHAAAAHHH.
man, if i got the pork flu, i would have to stay at home and lay on the couch and eat soup and drink sprite. fuck you pork flu. that's a terrible fate and i refuse to submit to it.....actually, it sounds like a sunday. so i guess mondays are the cure for the pork flu. but what will cure a case of the mondays!!! assume mondays are everywhere.

i think a better headline to replace the one above would be: "official: take vitamins, don't eat like shit and use common sense"

the only good thing that will come of this article will be that the entire world will be terrified of the pork flu. then i can go around and just start coughing on things. once i do, people will assume it is now infected, and i get to keep it.

corvette dealer: cough cough....well, i better get this infected corvette our of your way.
Best buy: sorry i coughed on all of your dvds and wii games. i'll get those out of here right away.
people carrying babies: sorry i coughed on your baby. i guess i'll take it. (i know what you're saying, jason, why would you want to cough on a baby. then you have to take it. and i say, what's the point of building all of those cages in my garage if i'm not going to have a fresh stock of babies to keep in them. didn't think about that did you. side note: huge baby blow out this weekend. all babies 1/2 off. the ones that are infected with pork flu 3/4 off.


this week so far (12:30 on thursday) i have received 340 email at work. this does not include junk mail or stuff like that. these are 340 emails that i have to read and respond to or analyse. no real rant about this other than outlook is becoming a trigger for explosive diarrhea.

also, if you climbed into a car backwards in the back seat, you can't claim that the car is designed poorly. you're just using it wrong. the same principle applies to the internet and web pages. write that down.

2 comments:

kourtney said...

you know, I think I may have had swine flu. I won't even get started on how unfair it is...I did spend about two days in bed and a few weeks of doing nothing but going to bed after work. I enjoyed the sleep but the tired feeling really sucked.

I blame the CTA and the degenerates who ride it.

Gentleman's Beard said...

you actually need to blame everyone, everywhere...because the pork flu is EVERYWHERE